You may think – I did too – that students would be
well-behaved at Oxford. That the “crazy” bug that most students seem to catch
just wasn’t in the Oxford air. Not so.
People
getting so drunk that they get their rooms mixed up with the floor above and
attempt to walk into other people’s rooms at 3am? Happens in Oxford. People
doing weird initiations which involve them attempting to carry cookers into
their peers’ rooms at 4am? Happens in Oxford. People leaving their food in the
fridge for over 6 weeks so it develops three layers of mould in 5 different
colours? Happens in Oxford. Students leaving the kitchen in such a state that
you want a bulldozer to knock out all the grime so you don’t have to touch it
for yourself? Happens in Oxford.
Students
are weird.
I have
the same types of stories that most students that lived in halls of residence
have. (And yes, all of the above really happened.) People stealing my stuff
from the fridge? Tick. The worst time was when a friend had bought me a brand
new bottle of milk when he went out for his own stuff and by the following
morning someone had drunk half of the bottle. But I have friends for whom it
was actually quite a big problem – people would steal their food so often that
it got to the point where my friends were actually going to be out of pocket because
of the unidentified thief. I don’t get that kind of selfishness. If you need
some food, just ask! Most people are kind
enough to share. But to take and just keep taking without asking – when
you know that none of us students are rich? That’s just rude.
We got
into the habit of labelling our food to deter the thieves. And I would
generally keep as much food as I could in my room to make it impossible. And
after a while, my pots and pans too because those started to go missing as
well.
I was
pretty naïve before I started university. I mean, I didn’t live in a bubble,
but… I don’t drink, I don’t believe in sex before marriage and I don’t go
clubbing – so a lot of stuff that your typical student would get involved in I
didn’t do.
You
could say I had a bit of a wake-up call at uni.
Halfway
through your Oxford degree, you have this thing called “Halfway Hall” to
celebrate having made it – you guessed it, halfway through your degree! We did
the usual Oxford formal thing of having a sit-down meal with three courses and
then… the sconces came.
I
didn’t know what sconces were before that and I made sure I never was present
when they were done again! #SCARREDFORLIFE.
Sconcing is this weird Oxford tradition which involves
people standing up and saying: “I sconce anyone who…” It usually happens at
crew dates, which I had purposely avoided to date, but it weaved its way into
the end of Halfway Hall. (Disclaimer: all the tutors had left by the time this
happened.) You can imagine my horror as people stood up saying things like: “I
sconce anyone who has ever had sex in the shower” and ditto in the LIBRARY, and
my friends stood up, including those sitting opposite and next to me. It took a
while for me to be able to look at them again in the eye.
In
short, strange student behaviour happens in Oxford too. Just at other unis I
might not have ever found out. Or at least, not quite in the same way.
The Oxford Vocabulary
I’ve
already said it but I’ll say it again: Oxford is weird.
It is
such a weird place that it has its own dictionary. As in, we use words that
no-one else in the English language uses.
Or at least not in that way.
What
does “scout” mean in everyday English? A young boy or girl who is a member of
the movement founded by Lord Baden-Powell. In Oxford English, it means
“cleaner”.
Some of
my friends really quite disliked it that we had scouts. They would come to your
room every weekday morning to collect your rubbish and would clean the kitchens
and vacuum the floors. As well as clean your room once a week. One of my
friends pointed out that having someone do things like this for you meant that
you weren’t learning any sense of independent responsibility for taking care of
your own mess.
That is
true to some extent, I think. However, the scouts being there doesn’t prevent
you from keeping tidy autonomously, it simply makes it easier to do. Everyone
knows the work we get is so much, often we barely have time to sleep – so
keeping completely on top of cleanliness single-handedly would probably be a
hard job. That said, some people really did take advantage of the scouts. We
would often have the same sign above the grimy message in the kitchen for days
on end: ‘Please clear away and wash your dishes. The scouts are not responsible
for your dirty dishes. If these items are not removed by this Friday we will
throw them away.’ Come the following Monday, Tuesday or even later and there
they would still be, untouched by whoever made them such a mess in the first
place. It was just so disrespectful, and also unfair to everyone else who had
to use the kitchen. That’s part of the arrogance that I was talking about earlier.
Though I don’t doubt that similar things happen at other universities too.
‘Porters’
and ‘lodge’ are a few more useful words which you frequently hear in the Oxford
vocabulary. Porters are the people who look after the college entrance (the
lodge), and are effectively our security guards. They also handle our post and
answer a lot of our queries. The porters at Somerville are some of the
friendliest human beings you will ever meet; I would regularly stop by just to
have a chat with them! I miss them already.
Trashing
Another useful word to know within the Oxford dictionary is
‘trashing’. Finals and other exams are so intense that once you have gotten to
the end of your last one, your friends come along to throw things at you in
celebration. Silly string, confetti… Some spray alcohol. You’re actually not
allowed to throw food, and to that end security will check your bags going in.
But people still throw them once they’ve left the premises: baked beans, flour,
chocolate sauce…
I
didn’t get any food thrown at me and trashing. I banned it, and my friends
kindly obliged. I did get a lot of glitter in my hair though! I also got handed
and crowned with a lot of silly accessories.
I actually didn’t get trashed in my first year, so getting
trashed in my final year was my first experience, and I loved it! All your
friends line up behind a gate to greet you. It feels like they’re part of the
culmination of the joy you feel once your exams and all related stresses are
over!
Afterwards,
some people would jump in the river. The very dirty River Cherwell, which is
full of eggs and stink every summer because people have gotten baptised in it
after being doused in food. This is something I don’t like about the trashing
tradition: it does sometimes just go too far. Also I don’t think anything can live in that
river with all the rotting food in it. (You can bet I didn’t jump in it.)
Balls
If you’re studying at
Oxford, you should try and get yourself to at least one ball in your time
there.
I’m not
gonna lie: I did like the balls. They were an opportunity to dress up and have
fun with your friends, and do stuff you don’t generally get to do in normal
life. Watch and dance along to live jazz music, be part of a silent disco, and
feel fancy!
Though
they were ridiculously expensive. And I mean, ridiculously expensive. Your
average ball would not be cheaper than £90. The RAG ball, which happens every
November, donates its funds to charity – so that you feel better about paying
for. And Oxford Union balls, for members, were about £50 – so they were the
cheapest, yet if you’ve already paid close to £240 for membership it makes
sense that you should get your balls a bit cheaper!
 |
In my last Oxford
ball – at the Oxford Union, of all places – the one that declared itself
institutionally racist, I decided to go in traditional Nigerian dress to make a
point!
|
The grander, bigger balls could cost up to £200. Those were the commemoration balls, celebrating the amount of time a college had been in existence – 200 years, 500 years, etc. But get this: they would be split between dining and non-dining tickets. That meant you could pay £155 for a ticket and you wouldn’t even get a proper meal!! So tell me, please, what are you paying for?!
Formals
Formals are similar to balls
in many ways. Again, you should make sure you try these out if you do go to
Oxford.
They
consist of a sit-down meal of three to four courses in your college’s dining
hall. I would say the food is always fancy, but I’ve been to some friend’s
colleges where it really wasn’t... The standard and feel generally depends on
how many formals a college typically has in a week. At Somerville we would
usually have one per week, so the food would be much fancier and people would
get properly dressed up. (Not in ball gowns, but in cocktail dresses and such.
If you’re a guy it’s easy – just wear a suit.) At other colleges, where formals
happened up to three times a week, people would just wear jeans and then throw
their gown on top (I will explain the weird Oxford clothing in a bit.)
I liked
formals. They were a good chance to enjoy a nice meal and good conversation
with your friends. And get away from work.
 |
| One of my last formals at Somerville with one of my very good friends in Oxford! (We were the only black people doing French by the time we finished, haha!) |
The
only bit I found really weird was the weird Latin you always had at the start.
You and your fellow students would be seated, and then suddenly your tutors and
the College Principal would come in. As a sign of respect, you would all hush
and rise to your feet. You would remain thus until at Somerville, the Principal
had uttered the words: ‘Benedictus benedicat.” Which apparently means, ‘May the
Blessed One give a blessing.’ (I didn’t know that before writing this, I just
Googled it. We all thought it meant, something like “bless us”. Because we’re
not fluent in Latin.)
NEWS
FLASH: Oxford is obsessed with Latin. No, not just Latin, the medieval times in
general. I’ve never seen anything like it.
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