Married / Coupled Peeps: Here are some things that most single people will never tell you.

(But I will.)

I told you in my last post I was coming for the married or coupled folk. I wasn’t joking.

Some people think that because we single folk are unpartnered, we have no clue about anything to do with relationships and marriage. We seriously beg to differ. Just, not all of your single friends will tell you that to your face, coupled peeps. But hey, you know me – I will! (Or I’ll tell it to your screen.)

1. You don’t need to try and set us up every minute of every day.

Thankfully, my friends know me well enough not to try that nonsense on me! As someone that’s chosen to never go on a date (to date), they would rightfully not rate their chances of setting me up on a blind date! Still, that doesn’t mean people don’t drop very loaded hints involving me and any black Christian dude they see! Yep, let’s talk about that. Not every black single person wants to be with the other black single person that runs in their circles. When was the last time you were with a blonde single female friend, spotted a blond single guy in the room and said to your friend, “Oh, I bet you two will end up together – it’s fate!” Complexion and hair similarities do not equate to relational compatibility. So can the myth that all people of colour operate under this rule please dissipate now, in the name of Jesus. (That was one of those prayers that is dependent upon people changing their actions; please don’t think that because I invoked Jesus you are excused from doing that, if you’re one of those types!)

I know that people are well-meaning, but asking a single person every time you see them if they are on the road to the wedding aisle can get a bit annoying, for lack of a better word.

It’s not the first time I’ve said this, (remember this post?) but in a person that is actually genuinely content with their singlehood, you can stir up a measure of discontent by doing this. You can make them start to wonder if there is something wrong with them. If marriage and relationships are on such a high pedestal, and I’m at the foot of the stage, why is that? Do I need a leg-up? I had to fight this feeling: it came to a point where virtually every week, married people were interrogating me on my love life (lack thereof) – or simply pushing the agenda too strongly – and I had to be on guard, realising that their words had the potential to foster dissatisfaction in me. I had to reason with these well-meaning people: marriage is good and all (well, it can be), but my life has value without me having someone by my side – and I’m not ready to walk down the aisle yet!

Married and coupled people, I guess you just want to see us poor little single folk happy. But, get this: 

What if singlehood isn’t a time of misery and forlornness? 😱 What if your single friends are… wait for it; wait for it… ACTUALLY NOT SOBBING OVER TUBS OF ICE-CREAM EVERY NIGHT?!

What you think we’re like:

ME:

If you’ve come to know me, either in person or through reading this blog, you’ll know that the picture of singleness that our culture has come to have you believe in, is pretty far removed from my reality.

Maybe give a thought to the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there like me? And maybe stop trying to give your single friends pills, as though their singleness is a disease in need of a cure.

2. We are watching you. And some of you have put us off marriage.

Ooh! Harsh? Sorry, you know me: real, authentic? 

Like I said before, just because I’m not married doesn’t mean I have no clue about marriage – although, of course, I lack the ultimate direct experience that married folks have. I have lived with married couples over the years; I have observed them from a close distance. Don’t think that your single friends aren’t watching you (in an entirely non-creepy way).

From some marriages, I have learnt exactly what NOT to do. Marriages where unhealthy control is in the hands of one spouse, and their partner is under their thumb. Marriages where one partner is always putting the other down, whether in a small group of people or in public. Marriages where communication consists of constantly shouting at each other. Sorry, but these are exactly the types of marriages that put people off ever getting married.

I can assure you, this is not hypothetical. I have a number of friends who do not want to get married because of the terrible examples of marriage they saw first-hand. The case is different for me: the unhealthy relationships I have witnessed have simply schooled me on exactly how I do not want to be, should I ever get married.

It follows then, that if I learn from the worst examples of marriage, I also learn from the best. I’ve been blessed to witness some beautiful marriages over the years: marriages where both spouses respect each other in mutual submission; marriages where the husband treats his wife like a queen, and she blossoms under his attention; marriages where the two partners are the best of friends and laugh together like little kids. I’m not so naïve as to think that all the moments of beautiful marriages are like this; of course these well-matched couples also have their moments of frustration and conflict and temporarily disliking one another, but they have developed a toolkit to iron out the cracks when they appear.

Those are the types of marriages I like to watch. The other types of marriages make me squirm. (I’m not saying that marriages aren’t hard or expecting marriages to be perfect.) Married and coupled peeps, you may not realise it, but you can either be a fantastic advertisement for marriage, or you can fantastically defame it. 

3. We know you’re married or in a relationship, you don’t need to flash it in our faces every second of every day. Ta.

I’ve told you before, I’m a hopeless romantic. Weddings are always my favourite events on the yearly calendar. I love love (love is not just romantic of course, but I do love romantic love). There is something very beautiful about seeing two people commit to doing life together for the rest of their lives, no matter how strong the waves that will attempt to divide them and carry them off shore.

I am absolutely in favour of committed couples showing their love to each other. In fact, I think it’s strange if they try to hide it. Growing up, I know several couples that would not sit next to each other in church, and you would absolutely never see holding hands. Perhaps that was a cultural thing, but it did make me sad that marital affection didn’t seem to be celebrated; more the status of marriage.

That said, I absolutely do think there’s a limit to how much PDA (public displays of affection) is appropriate. You’ve probably seen the couples that simulate sex in public places (I saw one at a McDonalds in Germany once: wasn’t fun). Get a room, people!

Not saying I have friends that go that far (thankfully), but there are definitely acts of affection that I would rather not see.

Spare a thought for your single friends. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m now in a place where marriage isn’t a far-off, distant thought. It can be hard sometimes to be around so many couples, because you feel like the odd one out, and being around people that have something that you don’t, magnifies your awareness of what you don’t have.

This lady found a way to create laughter from her third-wheel status! Source: https://www.virascoop.com/woman-documents-her-life-as-third-wheel-in-hilarious-selfies-becomes-internet-celebrity/

I’m not saying that people in relationships should feel guilty for being happy.

Romans 14:13 of the Bible talks about not putting a stumbling block in the way of our loved ones. That verse is often applied within the Church to the conversation around modesty, but in fact, in refers to doing anything that makes life “more difficult than it already is” for someone who is trying to be holy.

Let me give an example to illustrate. I lost my dad when I was thirteen. When I see my friends with their fathers, or talking about how wonderful their fathers are, it magnifies the sense of loss that I already feel in not having a father. It is not my friends’ fault that I no longer have an earthly dad, but there are things that they can do to soften the blow. Be sensitive.

Similarly, though it is not your fault that your single friends are unpartnered – and of course it is their responsibility to deal with any dissatisfaction they may feel about this – there are things that you can do to make their reality a little easier, in a world that already prizes relationships and undervalues their current status. That goes for the social media world as much as for the social world.

So, maybe next time you reach across with the intent to stroke your wife’s hair for most of the church service, you could maybe spare a thought for your single friend sitting beside you both, and save the hair stroke for the journey home? 

4. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want your partner.

OK, people. Just because your friends are single doesn’t mean they are thirsty.

I find it really irritating that many assume a single person is more likely to stir up trouble within a committed relationship than all these here coupled folk that you interact with. I’m not saying that boundaries are not necessary (in fact, I am a hearty proponent of healthy boundaries between unmarried people); what I am saying is that just because your friend is single, does not mean she (using this pronoun because this seems to be the more common suspicion) is trying to get with your husband or boyfriend.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the rates of affairs are actually higher when both parties are in a relationship. Aside from the fact that I have a strong moral objection to infidelity, I think it’s possible that single people have a greater esteem for romantic commitment, due to daily experience of not living with its benefits!

I fully believe that men and women can be just friends. I believe that to be the case for unmarried men and women, just as much as for married men and women. If we believe that we only need to treat our brothers and sisters (yep, it’s time for some Christianese) in a holy and befitting way when one of them is married, then we’ve got the gospel all wrong. 

My brother in Christ is my brother in Christ whether he is married or not. 

That means I have healthy boundaries with him whether he is married or not.

This probably isn’t a popular stance. There is a mild form of “you are my friend with benefits” playing out here in these streets; where, "as long as one or both us are not married or in a relationship, I can behave a certain way with you." I’m reminded of the time a friend of mine got married, and where he would usually go for hugs (the types of hugs I told him made me uncomfortable, but he excused as nothing), after tying the knot, he reached out a palm for a handshake.

That made me wonder… So, now you’re married you think that that interaction is inappropriate, but before it was OK?

I’m not saying hugs are wrong, people, you know that. But there are hugs and then there are hugs. (Y’all know what I’m saying.)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion of lust […] that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified.

 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

[This passage could also be applied to taking advantage of someone through sexual abuse, but that’s a discussion for another day.]

The fact of the matter is, we all need to be hyper-aware of “possessing our own vessels” and not “defrauding our brothers and sisters”. I know married folk aren’t here pretending that once they get married, they suddenly don’t notice other attractive people – they just intentionally don’t give inappropriate room to attractive people who are not their spouse.

Likewise, your single friends are already hyper-aware of having healthy boundaries with your partner – and most likely, they ain’t even noticed your partner like that. Please don’t make them feel a need to absolve themselves of guilt when they’ve done nothing wrong.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but I hope it's given you some food for thought, married and coupled people, in relation to your single friends!

Did that resonate with you? Drop me a comment below if so!

Why I don’t wear Make-up

I’ve addressed a lot of big issues up to now on my blog but this may well be the most controversial stance: I’m a girl approaching twenty and I don’t wear make-up. Before you have a heart attack I would prompt you to look at the description above and keep in mind that you’re on The Change Channel and the script over here is different to the general one that society tends to follow. There’s no doubt that deciding that make up is not for you is being very different, especially in our culture. It’s very daring.

You probably remember it yourself: the plentiful ticks of the clock that would go by before the girls would come out of the toilets (if you’re a guy); the hours that your peers would spend in front of the mirror caking themselves with make-up before they revealed themselves at school (if you’re a girl). I remember it for sure. Funny thing is, make-up was against the rules of our school – and it is for most schools in the country – but it was still seen as essential for a lot of the girls, especially from Year 9 (ages 13/14) upwards.

1. I like to be the real me.

 I remember the advertisement of this product that always used to come on when the teen TV had finished for the day and was replaced by teleshopping. It was called ‘Sheer Cover’ and it was a form of foundation that promised to cover all skin imperfections. What I found ironic was that their slogan was ‘Let the real you shine through’. Ermmm…

How is covering your entire face and often other parts of your body with make-up letting the real you shine through?

I don’t pretend to have perfect skin. I’m nineteen and we all know that those teenage years bring a lot of spots. Do I get annoyed when I spot yet another raised surface on my forehead? Yes, I do. Do I wish my skin was perfect? It certainly would be ideal. But why pretend? Everyone repeats that saying so often: ‘Nobody’s perfect.’ But with make-up we suddenly try to pretend that we are. Why?

I feel guilty even considering the prospect of painstakingly applying make-up to my face when I know that there are issues I need to address on the inside of me that are much more important. Studies show that the average woman spends over a year of her life applying make-up. Think what I could do in a year! I could travel the world, have a baby (but that’s not going to happen any time soon, don’t worry!), learn another language – I could spend that time developing my inner self to have ‘the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight’. (https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/1%20Peter%203%3A4)

If ever I became perfectly perfect then perhaps it would make sense for me to look perfect. But at present I can tell you I need more patience and faith and have other things to watch out for – so I’m not there yet.

Another reason I refrain from agonising over eye-liner and fumbling for the foundation is actually I think God did a pretty good job of making me on His own and He doesn’t need my help to create a masterpiece. I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ and I know it. I believe every one of God’s creations is beautiful and precious – even if they don’t fit the standards of beauty that our society lays down as law. To read my treatise on the world’s botched-up perception of beauty click here: Why the World’s Definition of Beauty is All Wrong.

I’ve grown up in an environment where make-up wasn’t valued. My mum doesn’t wear make-up and my home church has never put it on the cards. But naturally, being a young girl in today’s society there did come a point where I started to think about it and wanted to be sure I was not wearing make-up because it was truly what I wanted to do and not something I felt was being forced upon me. I had a weakness for eye-shadow – it can be used to match your clothes really well – and after a friend told me I had “camel’s eyelashes” I thought perhaps mascara wouldn’t be so bad.

Way way back when I was in Year 7 a couple of my friends bought me make-up as birthday presents. I didn’t know what to do with the little packages, seeing as I didn’t wear make-up (and at eleven years old felt no reason to do so) – but as the products were powders my mum suggested I keep them and use them for art. Being a very creative person I did so, and you can still find eyeshadow in some of my most intricate work.

I never used the make-up for anything else. Until years later: I decided I would try it for myself so that I could say I knew for sure what my stance was. I fished out the make-up discs from my art supplies and applied some eyeshadow and the different shades of ‘lip shimmer’. It could be that it was my first time applying make-up and I didn’t know how to do it ‘just so’ but it didn’t appeal to me at all. The more I tried out the shades the more I felt like a clown. I looked fake. There were a load of colours painted on my face and it just didn’t feel like me. I stared at myself in the mirror and blinked back at my reflection. Then I decided that make-up wasn’t for me. Eyeshadow might be able to match my outfit but my face wasn’t a handbag or a dress in need of being accessorised. It was a natural part of me and I wanted to keep it that way.

2. I want people to love and respect me for who I am, not what I look like.

It’s my approach to life in general: I appreciate much more when someone compliments me on something I’ve done rather than how I look. It means so much more to me when someone tells me they loved something I’ve written or hearing me sing than when someone tells me I look good in the dress I have on. I’m not saying compliments on appearance are bad. What I am saying is I did not do any work to get the face I did – God did all of that work and I can take no credit for it. But I do work hard at my singing and writing and other skills so encouragement on that front is something that I had something to do with.

It’s something I’ve discussed with friends before: would you want your lover to wear make-up or would you as a lady wear make-up for your beau? I’ve been particularly interested to hear the male point of view – and actually, my guy friends have told me they much prefer the natural look on a girl. It shows that she’s comfortable in her own skin and feels free to be herself.

On the other hand, girls my age have told me they wouldn’t wear too much make-up on their first date with a guy because they wouldn’t want him to expect more than he was getting. I find that quite intriguing, upon considering what happens on the next dates and when you eventually get married: do you have to make sure you have on that same amount of make-up as you had on that first date so that he’s never disappointed?

And what if he falls in love with you only because of the face you had on when he first met you? We already know how much our culture values physical attractiveness in women. When you’re wearing full foundation, concealer, blusher, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick, even fake eyelashes (!), can you really be sure that it’s anything but your decked-out face that has drawn him over? He might hear you speak and actually not care about what you’re saying but linger around because he thinks you look ‘sexy’.

Of course physical attraction is an important part of a relationship. But I can say without faltering that if a man were to fall in love with me solely because he found me attractive I would immediately turn the other way. I am not just a body. I have a brain and emotions and talents that go beyond the exterior, as does any other woman. We’re picking up from the bottom of the pile if we go for guys that don’t see that.   

3.  It’s a business that prides itself on making women feel bad about themselves.

It’s funny to me that feminism deals with so many other issues but neglects to talk about cosmetics. Like so many other social phenomena, make-up is the result of a male-dominated narrative. I can give you many examples throughout history that illustrate how when men said something it came to be and was accepted as fact. Take for instance the narrative in the 50s that dictated that women could be no more than wives and mothers. That was said by men who didn’t like the fact that women were doing the same job as them and doing just as well, and could eventually get to the stage where they were earning more than their husbands! How about shaving? Few people know that shaving for women only came about in the Roaring 20s, when sleeveless dresses became the fashion and suddenly the under-arm hair women had had for centuries became ‘unsightly’ and ‘objectionable’. Why? Because razor companies (owned by men, of course) wanted to create a new market to squeeze the money out of – and the perfect way was to make women feel that in paying their way and shaving away they were becoming more feminine. In the meantime guys’ bodily hair isn’t spurned at all. Apparently hair on women is unhygienic but on men it’s just plain clean. (Do you know I was once asked by a guy – at secondary school – if it was true that women grew hair under their armpits?)

It’s the same with make-up. Do you ever see make-up marketed at men? Cosmetics industries swallow up billions of dollars each year by telling women that using their products will give them power, make them stand out and will give them irresistible confidence. Is it any wonder then that women often feel low self-esteem without “putting their face on”? (Do you realise how loaded that term is? We’ve gotten to the point where women don’t even see their natural assets as worthy of being called a face…) You’ve seen the stories about women who never leave the house without make-up on. I’ve even heard depressing cases of women who get out of bed before their husbands stir so that they can put on their make-up afresh before their spouse sees them. (I can’t even…) Not everyone has it that bad, admittedly, but there are still very few girls I know who won’t leave the house without any make-up at all – just a bit of mascara and eyeliner and that’s all – but they will never be seen without it. I suppose there’s another problem with wearing make-up regularly – when you don’t wear any people don’t recognise you.

“Make-up makes me feel more confident”. That’s what many people tell me. More confident. The use of those two words to me indicates that most don’t feel confident enough without the stuff. Girls typically put it on to attract the attention of the guys as they’re told that this is the way to capture a man’s heart – or they may put it on so that they feel they “measure up” to the same standard as the other girls. I didn’t wear any makeup to my prom and I remember thinking that I wouldn’t look as good as the other girls. My mum assured me I looked beautiful just the way I was and I soon forget my concerns. In retrospect I realise that my qualms were just plain silly: what’s the point in competing over how we look? What a sad life.

4.  Make-up causes reduced self-esteem.

Remember the #nomakeupselfie campaign for breast cancer awareness that took social media by storm last year? I thought it was great, in that it pushed women and young girls to present themselves as they truly are on a platform. I was proud to see my friends wiping off the stuff. They looked beautiful and they didn’t need make-up to prove that.

So that was great. But the campaign did get me thinking about the social implications that it suggested. Usually when people fundraise for charity they do something difficult and out-of-the-ordinary. Here taking one picture of themselves makeup-free was what girls and women were doing to raise money – and what that showed me is that it really is an out-of-the-ordinary and difficult thing for females to do now, to choose not to wear le maquillage. So much so that many of the girls and women that posted pictures of themselves did so with make-up on: they just couldn’t take off that mascara or eye-liner – or even lipstick – for just one picture in the comfort of their own homes. Others just replied saying they didn’t think anyone needed to see their “disgusting face”. What a sad state of affairs.

 5. It’s actually quite physiologically harmful.

Il trucco (that’s what it’s called in Italian – literally meaning, ‘the trick’) does in fact cause quite a lot of physical damage. Covering up imperfections only makes them worse. Foundation blocks up pores and hinders the skin from breathing, which can often lead to acne and dermatitis. The vast array of chemical substances in cosmetic products have also been linked to health issues, surprisingly serious: cancer; hormonal interference; effects to a woman’s reproductive system; liver problems… Chemical impurities in cosmetics shockingly even include the toxic substance mercury, which is easily absorbed by the skin and can lead to kidney damage; and impair the nervous system, and can even interfere with brain development in unborn and young children. Ironically for a substance which is supposed to make you stay looking young – the presence of mineral oil in cosmetics can inhibit skin function and cell development, resulting in premature aging. http://www.collective-evolution.com/2012/04/10/you-have-the-right-to-know-17-chemicals-to-avoid-in-cosmetic-and-personal-care-products/

6.  It costs a lot of money!

The average British woman spends £9,525.91 on make-up in her lifetime. Need I say more? That is a heck of a lot money! That could fund a whole year of university tuition with money left to spare!

7.  Going make-up FREE is extremely liberating!

‘Makeup free’ used to be used by that oh-so-notorious British tabloid The Daily Mail together with ‘tired’ and ‘haggard’ to slate women who decided to ditch the rouge. I still have a lot of issues with that paper but I have noticed that they have now taken to praising women who go out make-up free as looking ‘radiant’ and ‘natural’. I hope to see this attitude welcomed more in the public vein. I’ve never worn an inch of foundation in all my nineteen years and I have found it extremely liberating. I can leap out of the house without thinking about having to flick my eyelashes up – or draw my eyebrows on. (Seriously I can’t believe that’s a thing now?) When people look at me I know they’re looking at me and not a fake, “improved” version. I gain hours every day by not having to apply and re-apply – and remove my make-up. I breathe confidence rather than have it stifled under a mask that clogs my pores.

I may still have spots that appear without being asked but actually I know they’re not that big a deal. They show that I’m a normal human being with imperfections, and the fact that my friends treat me in the same way whether or not I have an uneven skin tone shows that they value me for who I am and not for what I look like. Going makeup-free truly does make you feel free, my friend!