Married / Coupled / Single – I have some words for ya.

Today, I’m talking especially to my single peeps.

I’m an expert on being single. I’ve been single my whole life. As far as experience in this field goes, I think I’m qualified enough to put it on my CV.

Of course, there are those that are more experienced than me. I have lived the single life for 25 years. Others have lived it for longer.

But I mean it when I say, “single my whole life”. Not just not married, but no boyfriend (check out my previous posts on this: here and here) and, guess what – my lips are off limits!

This is all out of choice.

A bit drastic for some, I know.

I’ve written a lot about how many benefits there are to being single.

For one, arguments are extremely rare in my household, because I don’t typically get into arguments with myself.

There are things I’ve been able to do in the last five years that I know I wouldn’t have been able to do if I had been married, or even coupled off.

I really have a problem with people acting as though – especially when talking to girls and women, that your life has not begun until someone else has become a part of it. I’m sorry, what have the last twenty-five years of my life been, then? A dream?

You have to live with YOU for the rest of your life. So you might as well fall in love with yourself before you go falling for anyone else.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get married. That doesn’t mean that I want to stay single my whole life. Actually, if I’m honest, the thought of being single for my entire life rather terrifies me.

I’m a hopeless romantic, and that’s why I’m single.

I value my life.

I’m not prepared to settle. As much as I would like companionship and an intimate partner to share my life with, I’m not desperate. I know my worth and I’m not going to be with a guy that doesn’t know and recognise my worth, or simply isn’t right for me. Value doesn’t beg.

The best and coolest guy to ever live has my heart, so it would have to be a pretty cool and dog-on special guy that I would allow to share it! Jesus is my No. 1, and any other guy would be lucky to get a No.2 spot!

I used to always say, “When I get married…” I didn’t want to get married before the age of twenty-five. I knew there was a lot I wanted to accomplish before committing to a life with another human being.

Now, though I do still want to get married and believe it is likely in my future, I tend more towards “If I get married…”

It should not be a terrifying thought for me to not get married. If you feel the same way about being single, ask yourself why.

What is it that is so upsetting to you about the prospect of not having a marital partner in your life? Is it because a lot of your friends are married or coupled off now, and you feel side-lined and the odd one out? Is it because you crave physical intimacy? Is it because you want to have a sidekick who can provide you with daily companionship? Are you flippin’ tired of having people ask you if “there’s anyone special in your life?”

I’m not going to lie, I have days where I feel all of the above.

But I have to remind myself of this…

Christ has to be enough.

Do you know that song, Christ is Enough? The chorus goes,

Christ is enough for me,
Christ is enough for me.
Everything I need is in You,
Everything I need.

I’ve never really been a fan of that song. I used to convince myself that it was because I don’t really like the tune (which is true), but I think it’s also because I can’t honestly that Christ is enough for me. Is He Number 1 on my friend list? Absolutely. Do I love Him more than anyone else or anything in the world? Absolutely. But can I honestly say that Christ alone, with nothing else, in my life – no friendships, no marriage – would be enough for me? No, I can’t.

My aim is to get to the point when I can honestly say that Jesus, and Jesus alone is enough for me. To be truthful, God the Father, Son and Spirit are all I really need - everything else is a bonus. Every good and perfect gift comes from God, and they are just that: “gifts”. God doesn’t owe me anything.

That’s another thing. This idea of being “owed” something. I have to talk myself out of that pattern of thinking a lot these days. I’m twenty-five. In the map of my life that I had drawn, I would have found "the one" by now.

Courtesy of Jamie-Grace

I’ve never had a boyfriend and only my husband is going to get to kiss me. Sometimes it feels as though, because I’ve kept this promise to God, that I should have “earned” my right to have a great man as a husband by now. It’s easy to think that I’ve done this “the right way” – which is absolutely the wrong way to think, of course.

The reality remains though, that while I’ve been here, choosing to stay single (it isn’t an easy road) and wait for God’s timing, there are people out in these streets who have chosen quite the opposite: have maybe been in multiple relationships since they were ten, perhaps had a number of intimate partners before marriage – and are still happily coupled off.

It doesn’t always feel fair. It feels as though I could probably have done things “the wrong way” and still be married by now. (Even if that were true, multiple relationships and pre-marital sex cause their own complications going into marriage.)

God doesn’t owe me anything. (Moreover, He is in the business of forgiveness.)

What He chooses to give me, or give others, is His right and prerogative.

To be honest, I’m glad I’m not engaged right now – I would hate to be geographically and socially distanced from my fiancé, which lockdown has made a requirement for many people I know! And frankly, I love seasons where I’m interested in literally no-one. Attraction is a distraction, most of the time. I have a lot more space in my brain when there isn’t a guy in it.

I do believe that my faithfulness in giving this area over to God will be met with a reward someday. But I certainly didn’t choose to do it because of the reward alone: I chose to do it because I believe God deserves my faithfulness. And He deserves my faithfulness whether or not my giving it to him reaps the rewards I want.

TO BE MARRIED ≠ TO GRADUATE.

Marriage is often presented as the “graduation” from being single, as though being single is on a lower plain and means you have less worth. This is so wrong. Besides, some couples are the worst advertisements for matrimony! (More on that in another post.)

What Now?

This time of lockdown is, for many single people, amplifying a longing for companionship. That is normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

But it could also be a time in which we learn how to love what we already have, even more and even better. Learn how to love ourselves and prize what is inside of us: the skills, the character traits that we have to offer the world. Learn how to love those around us: caring and cherishing our friends and family. And if you believe that there is a Person who already has your heart and has already chosen you, then learn to love Him better. He loves you more and better than any future spouse ever could.

In the meantime, speaking especially to my single ladies: if he’s not prepared to work hard to keep you in his life, then he’s not ready to have the awesomeness that is you in his life. 💁🏽‍

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord.” - Proverbs 18:22