(But I will.)
I told you in my last post I was coming for the married or
coupled folk. I wasn’t joking.
Some people think that because we single folk are unpartnered, we have no clue about anything to do with relationships and marriage. We seriously beg to differ. Just, not all of your single friends will tell you that to your face, coupled peeps. But hey, you know me – I will! (Or I’ll tell it to your screen.)
1. You don’t need to try and set us up every minute of every day.
Thankfully, my friends know me well enough not to try that
nonsense on me! As someone that’s chosen to never go on a date (to date), they
would rightfully not rate their chances of setting me up on a blind date! Still, that doesn’t mean people don’t drop very loaded hints involving me and any black Christian dude they see! Yep,
let’s talk about that. Not every black single person wants to be with the other
black single person that runs in their circles. When was the last time you were
with a blonde single female friend, spotted a blond single guy in the room and
said to your friend, “Oh, I bet you two will end up together – it’s fate!” Complexion
and hair similarities do not equate to relational compatibility. So can the
myth that all people of colour operate under this rule please dissipate now, in
the name of Jesus. (That was one of those prayers that is dependent upon people
changing their actions; please don’t think that because I invoked Jesus you are
excused from doing that, if you’re one of those types!)
I know that people are well-meaning, but asking a single
person every time you see them if they are on the road to the wedding aisle can
get a bit annoying, for lack of a better word.
It’s not the first time I’ve said this, (remember this post?) but in a person that is actually genuinely content with their singlehood, you can stir up a measure of discontent by doing this. You can make them start to wonder if there is something wrong with them. If marriage and relationships are on such a high pedestal, and I’m at the foot of the stage, why is that? Do I need a leg-up? I had to fight this feeling: it came to a point where virtually every week, married people were interrogating me on my love life (lack thereof) – or simply pushing the agenda too strongly – and I had to be on guard, realising that their words had the potential to foster dissatisfaction in me. I had to reason with these well-meaning people: marriage is good and all (well, it can be), but my life has value without me having someone by my side – and I’m not ready to walk down the aisle yet!
Married and coupled people, I guess you just want to see us poor little single folk happy. But, get this:
What if singlehood isn’t a time
of misery and forlornness? 😱 What if your single friends are… wait for it; wait
for it… ACTUALLY NOT SOBBING OVER TUBS OF ICE-CREAM EVERY NIGHT?!
What you think we’re like:
ME:
If you’ve come to know me, either in person or through
reading this blog, you’ll know that the picture of singleness that our culture
has come to have you believe in, is pretty far removed from my reality.
Maybe give a thought to the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there like me? And maybe stop trying to give your single friends pills, as though their singleness is a disease in need of a cure.
2. We are watching you. And some of you have put us off marriage.
Ooh! Harsh? Sorry, you know me: real, authentic?
Like I said before, just because I’m not married doesn’t mean
I have no clue about marriage – although, of course, I lack the ultimate direct
experience that married folks have. I have lived with married couples over the
years; I have observed them from a close distance. Don’t think that your single
friends aren’t watching you (in an entirely non-creepy way).
From some marriages, I have learnt exactly what NOT to do.
Marriages where unhealthy control is in the hands of one spouse, and their
partner is under their thumb. Marriages where one partner is always putting the
other down, whether in a small group of people or in public. Marriages where
communication consists of constantly shouting at each other. Sorry, but these
are exactly the types of marriages that put people off ever getting married.
I can assure you, this is not hypothetical. I have a number
of friends who do not want to get married because of the terrible examples of
marriage they saw first-hand. The case is different for me: the unhealthy
relationships I have witnessed have simply schooled me on exactly how I do not
want to be, should I ever get married.
It follows then, that if I learn from the worst examples of
marriage, I also learn from the best. I’ve been blessed to witness some beautiful
marriages over the years: marriages where both spouses respect each other in
mutual submission; marriages where the husband treats his wife like a queen,
and she blossoms under his attention; marriages where the two partners are the
best of friends and laugh together like little kids. I’m not so naïve as to
think that all the moments of beautiful marriages are like this; of course
these well-matched couples also have their moments of frustration and conflict
and temporarily disliking one another, but they have developed a toolkit to
iron out the cracks when they appear.
Those are the types of marriages I like to watch. The other
types of marriages make me squirm. (I’m not saying that marriages aren’t hard or
expecting marriages to be perfect.) Married and coupled peeps, you may not
realise it, but you can either be a fantastic advertisement for marriage, or
you can fantastically defame it.
3. We know you’re married or in a relationship, you don’t need to flash it in our faces every second of every day. Ta.
I’ve told you before, I’m a hopeless romantic. Weddings are
always my favourite events on the yearly calendar. I love love (love is
not just romantic of course, but I do love romantic love). There is something
very beautiful about seeing two people commit to doing life together for the
rest of their lives, no matter how strong the waves that will attempt to divide
them and carry them off shore.
I am absolutely in favour of committed couples showing their
love to each other. In fact, I think it’s strange if they try to hide it.
Growing up, I know several couples that would not sit next to each other in
church, and you would absolutely never see holding hands. Perhaps that
was a cultural thing, but it did make me sad that marital affection didn’t seem
to be celebrated; more the status of marriage.
That said, I absolutely do think there’s a limit to how much
PDA (public displays of affection) is appropriate. You’ve probably seen the
couples that simulate sex in public places (I saw one at a McDonalds in Germany
once: wasn’t fun). Get a room, people!
Not saying I have friends that go that far (thankfully), but
there are definitely acts of affection that I would rather not see.
Spare a thought for your single friends. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m now in a place where marriage isn’t a far-off, distant
thought. It can be hard sometimes to be around so many couples, because you
feel like the odd one out, and being around people that have something that you
don’t, magnifies your awareness of what you don’t have.
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| This lady found a way to create laughter from her third-wheel status! Source: https://www.virascoop.com/woman-documents-her-life-as-third-wheel-in-hilarious-selfies-becomes-internet-celebrity/ |
I’m not saying that people in relationships should feel
guilty for being happy.
Romans 14:13 of the Bible talks about not putting a stumbling
block in the way of our loved ones. That verse is often applied within the Church
to the conversation around modesty, but in fact, in refers to doing anything
that makes life “more difficult than it already is” for someone who is trying
to be holy.
Let me give an example to illustrate. I lost my dad
when I was thirteen. When I see my friends with their fathers, or talking about
how wonderful their fathers are, it magnifies the sense of loss that I already
feel in not having a father. It is not my friends’ fault that I no longer have
an earthly dad, but there are things that they can do to soften the blow. Be
sensitive.
Similarly, though it is not your fault that your single
friends are unpartnered – and of course it is their responsibility to
deal with any dissatisfaction they may feel about this – there are things that
you can do to make their reality a little easier, in a world that already prizes
relationships and undervalues their current status. That goes for the social
media world as much as for the social world.
So, maybe next time you reach across with the intent to
stroke your wife’s hair for most of the church service, you could maybe
spare a thought for your single friend sitting beside you both, and save the
hair stroke for the journey home?
4. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want your partner.
OK, people. Just because your friends are single doesn’t
mean they are thirsty.
I find it really irritating that many assume a single
person is more likely to stir up trouble within a committed relationship than
all these here coupled folk that you interact with. I’m not saying that boundaries
are not necessary (in fact, I am a hearty proponent of healthy boundaries
between unmarried people); what I am saying is that just because your
friend is single, does not mean she (using this pronoun because this seems to be
the more common suspicion) is trying to get with your husband or boyfriend.
It wouldn’t surprise me if the rates of affairs are actually
higher when both parties are in a relationship. Aside from the fact that I have
a strong moral objection to infidelity, I think it’s possible that single
people have a greater esteem for romantic commitment, due to daily experience
of not living with its benefits!
I fully believe that men and women can be just friends. I believe that to be the case for unmarried men and women, just as much as for married men and women. If we believe that we only need to treat our brothers and sisters (yep, it’s time for some Christianese) in a holy and befitting way when one of them is married, then we’ve got the gospel all wrong.
My brother in Christ is my brother in Christ whether he is married or not.
That means I have healthy boundaries with him whether he is married or not.
This probably isn’t a popular stance. There is a mild form
of “you are my friend with benefits” playing out here in these streets; where, "as long as one or both us are not married or in a relationship, I can behave a
certain way with you." I’m reminded of the time a friend of mine got married,
and where he would usually go for hugs (the types of hugs I told him made me
uncomfortable, but he excused as nothing), after tying the knot, he reached out
a palm for a handshake.
That made me wonder… So, now you’re married you think that that
interaction is inappropriate, but before it was OK?
I’m not saying hugs are wrong, people, you know that. But there
are hugs and then there are hugs. (Y’all know what I’m saying.)
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion of lust […] that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified.
1 Thessalonians 1:3-5
[This passage could also be applied to taking advantage of
someone through sexual abuse, but that’s a discussion for another day.]
The fact of the matter is, we all need to be hyper-aware of “possessing
our own vessels” and not “defrauding our brothers and sisters”. I know
married folk aren’t here pretending that once they get married, they suddenly
don’t notice other attractive people – they just intentionally don’t give inappropriate
room to attractive people who are not their spouse.
Likewise, your single friends are already hyper-aware of having healthy boundaries with your partner – and most likely, they ain’t even noticed your partner like that. Please don’t make them feel a need to absolve themselves of guilt when they’ve done nothing wrong.
This isn't an exhaustive list, but I hope it's given you some food for thought, married and coupled people, in relation to your single friends!
Did that resonate with you? Drop me a comment below if so!
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