Noughts + Crosses: A Review of the 6th episode of the popular BBC drama series

 Before reading, make sure you watch episodes 1-5 of Noughts + Crosses, and read my reviews of them! The below review contains a few spoilers as to what has already happened so far in the series…

Links to previous reviews:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Rating: 4 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐

There is A LOT of violence in this final episode of Noughts + Crosses. (Well, we don’t know if the drama will be re-commissioned for another series; here’s hoping!)

At times it does feel rather gratuitous. But at the same time, when rage, frustration, injustice and angst are blended together, things can get pretty out of control.

The much-loved grime rapper Stormzy makes an appearance in this episode, as the editor of The Ohene Standard newspaper, Kolawale. Stormzy delivers a pretty convincing performance. The guy can act, who knew?

Barely has the editor given the order: “Let’s party” to celebrate 100 years of The Ohene Standard, than the festivities are turned upside down. Members of the Liberation Militia barge in and smash at everything in sight.

It isn’t long before the police arrive, and though Callum and Jude manage to escape, their accomplice Nicola does not.

It is absolutely no surprise that Jude sees his friend being attacked, and runs away. He seems to be in the habit of creating trouble and then being too cowardly to take the blame for it. Although of course, knowing how brutal the police are to Noughts, we can sympathise with him to some degree.

Speaking of degrees, Sephy doesn’t want one. Her father cannot believe she doesn’t want to go to Okene-Aprica University, despite having been offered a place to study there. Okene-Aprica is depicted as a prestigious university, I suppose akin to Oxbridge. Persephone’s act of defiance signifies a rejection of the establishment, of the status quo. She doesn’t want to study at an institution that has created leaders that go on to continue the cycle of oppression against Noughts – her father being one of them. She doesn’t want to be part of a system that will teach selective history and stoke racial tension. More than this, Sephy’s decision to decline her offer shows the mind of a strong woman at work. Throughout the drama, Sephy takes up her place as an empowering female character – she has her own voice and she uses it even when men are trying to silence her.

Kamal, for once, is silenced by Sephy. He refers to his philandering with a Nought woman years ago – which produced his mixed-race son Yaro – as “outside silliness”. This is the same man who has been speaking of interracial relationships as evidence of an erosion of culture, and the products of them as “mongrels”. The hypocrisy is unreal. Furthermore, what would have happened if Yaro had not turned up at the Hadley house to tell Jasmine and her daughters the concealed truth, as he did in the last episode?

Jasmine and Sephy cannot cope with Kamal’s lies anymore, and decide to leave the home.

I don’t blame them. Kamal really does not seem to have a heart. In reference to the death of Nicola, after excessive restraint and force from police officers, he says “One of the culprits has already been… dealt with.” Who refers to the murder of a human being in such a way?

Kamal cares little about Noughts, and he cares little for his own family. He meets with editor Kolawale to ask him to discredit the (true) story that Yaro is going to tell the press. He will stop at nothing to cover his own tracks.

The word “halfer” is analogous to the offensive word “half-caste”. Kamal’s influence has meant Yaro is now being painted as a deranged attention-seeker.

Kamal isn’t the only one who does a lot of lying in this episode. So does Callum.

That’s not what he said about Sephy in the last episode!

Callum’s resolution to stamp out his feelings for Sephy enables him to take steps he would never otherwise have taken. In a drastic move to take power from Kamal, Jack Dorn authorises the LM to go for Sephy.

Callum is the bait, and Sephy takes it. In this moment, Callum becomes almost a Judas-like character, betraying the one he loves by first lavishing her with kisses – before he leaves room for the eagles to come swooping in.

The fear and betrayal in Sephy’s eyes cuts to the heart.

Callum watches on emotionlessly as another LM member thrusts a sack over Sephy’s head. This is not the Callum we know. What has happened to him?

Jude’s relentless taunting, questioning his brother’s loyalty to the cause, appears to be the push factor.

A look of approval and a pat on the back from Jack Dorn seems to have become Jude’s drug.

It is pitiful to see just how much Jude craves attention from the LM’s ringleader. His character is a prime example of how becoming marginalised and cast aside can lead someone to seek identity and value from the wrong people. Jack Dorn has essentially become his new father.

Speaking of fathers, will the father of Yaro Hadley please stand up – and be a real father? Nope. Nope, he won’t. All Kamal will do is pay off his illegitimate son and order him to go far, far away. Yet, as Yaro reminds him, no matter how many miles separate them, Yaro is not a fictional character. He is a bodily personification of Kamal’s romance with a Nought woman – evidence that he has broken all the rules he claims to stand on so firmly.

As different as they may be, Kamal and Jude are ultimately breaking the same rules. They are aligning themselves with a code which tells them that career opportunities and fame come before family. Their morals are being further flung out of the window, as their statuses rise. 

“This is my side. I brought you in”, Jude retorts, as his brother Callum reminds him that they are on the same side and fighting against the same system. Jude’s desperation to finally be a part of something, has come to trump everything. His relationships with his mother and brother are shrivelling away, all because the Liberation Militia has given him a new identity.

Sephy’s fear is palpable.

“She’s nothing. She’s nothing.” Callum repeats to himself, in an effort to reduce the woman he loves to a disembodied object. It’s a tactic used by many to reason away treating other human beings like animals. The Jews of the Holocaust were referred to as ‘rats’ by the Nazis. Black people were depicted as ‘monkeys’ during the slave trade and colonial era (and sometimes they still are). The Tutsis killed in the tribal genocide in Rwanda were called ‘cockroaches’. The same word was employed by Katie Hopkins to describe the refugees that drowned in the Mediterranean in 2015. The fact of the matter is, when people are stripped of their humanity, it is much easier to justify killing them or treating them with less, or little, dignity. That’s why today, we say 'Black lives matter' – for so long, black people were not even seen as human. In the United States, for a long time, black people were only seen as constituting three-fifths of a human being.

The very thing that the Crosses do to the Noughts – in treating them as naught – Callum is doing to his Cross girlfriend.

But two wrongs don’t make a right.

Callum knows that, deep down. Yet, with everything he has, he tries to fight his conscience. Avoid eye contact. Avoid talking to her. But that doesn’t change anything: Sephy is still there, and she is a still a human. A human being that he still loves.

And the mother and father that love her, too, will do all they can to make sure she stays alive.

I must say, this Police Commissioner is extremely annoying! Always butting in!

This wasn’t how you were going to change the world, Callum”, Sephy reminds Callum, as she sits with her back to the wall of her cell.

“Well, maybe it’s the only way left.” – comes Callum’s wistful response.

“No. It’s a choice you’re making.” Sephy replies, firmly.

This exchange is important. It gives voice to the desperation of a disenfranchised people, with centuries of oppression on their backs.

Desperation doesn’t cause only Callum and the Liberation Militia to go too far. Sephy also goes for desperate tactics in these desperate times. Angst and anger have transformed Callum and Sephy’s relationship from one of mutual love into a dysfunctional dynamic of extreme violence.

“I’m not your enemy”, Sephy tells Callum, as he retreats.

“No, you’re worse. Standing by, watching, doing nothing. All the while claiming that you love me.”

Ooh! That line from Callum! It echoes with the weight of centuries of white passivity, in the real world.

Martin Luther King Jr. talked about reaching ‘the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Councillor or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice’. For ‘in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.’

Callum’s words hurt her, but Sephy doesn’t argue with the validity of them.

She does argue, however, with how Callum is choosing to translate the sentiments of his mind into murderous action.

Of course, so do Callum’s mum and Sephy’s mother. The tension builds in their relationship as they seek to protect and fight for their children.

It is the same parental instinct that fuels Jasmine and Meggie that eventually causes Callum to recognise the deep error of his ways.

Callum extends his hand to Sephy, symbolising a ceasefire.

Though Callum and Sephy call a truce, that isn’t the way of Jack Dorn. Despite Kamal having stepped down from his position as Prime Minister as the LM demanded, Jack Dorn still wants further revenge.

The money for Sephy’s ransom isn’t enough for Jack Dorn.

The leader of the Liberation Militia wants power – and he cares not a jot about he gets it. Dorn relishes being the one in control when he meets with Kamal; being at the head of a hierarchy where he is usually at the bottom. He knows that where Sephy is involved, Kamal will do whatever he is instructed in order to keep her safe – Dorn knows he has Kamal right under his thumb.

It takes Jude a while to realise that his newly adopted father isn’t the man he thought he was. Jude’s panicked words to Callum show how wracked with guilt he is for not realising sooner – instead getting swept away with the tide onto the wrong shore.

The penny drops in a big way when the horrifying event that concluded Episode One, is brought into the light. Jude realises that it was, in fact, Jack Dorn, that killed their friend Danny – as he lay fighting for his life in the hospital.

Dorn feels no remorse for he did. He unashamedly states: “Danny’s death was a game-changer.”

What kind of racial justice activist kills his own people in order to bring about change? Dorn is a malignant opportunist who will go to unimaginable lengths to further his own ends.

Just how far will he go?

How does the episode end?

The series?

I’m not going to tell you. You have to watch it for yourself! Literally today, because it expires on BBC iPlayer tonight at 10pm, on the day I write this! But I will say, this a phenomenal final episode to end a phenomenal series.

Thank you for reading my reviews - I hope you have enjoyed them and enjoyed the show!

All six episodes of Noughts + Crosses are available to watch on BBC iPlayer and various other streaming services outside of the UK. Go and watch it! I've tried not to give away any key spoilers!

Noughts + Crosses: A Review of the 5th episode of the popular BBC drama series

Rating: 4.5 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (you know, I can't find a half-star!)

The below review contains a few spoilers as to what has already happened so far in the series, so make sure you watch the previous episodes and read my other reviews first.

Links to previous reviews:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

“We’re receiving news that the terrorist Ryan McGregor, otherwise known as the Decimator of Demwa, has died.”

This is the last we see of Ryan McGregor.

In the final moments of the previous episode of Noughts + Crosses, we saw Ryan brutally attacked by a Cross inmate, on the night of his sentencing.

The next we hear of him, in this episode, is that he has died.

It’s a shocking turn of events – Ryan had just been sentenced to 30 years in prison, rather than death by hanging. And now, instead of 30 more years to live, he has been afforded only a few more hours.

Meggie is completely dumbfounded by the news, as are we.

The most shocking thing is, she does not learn of her husband’s death through a sympathetic phone call from a prison official; she discovers that he has died from the television news bulletin. Such a lack of human decency – failing to inform his family in person of the news that will shatter their lives – brings home just how little the Crosses care about Noughts. Truly, they see no humanity in them – so why would they treat them like humans? 

The cup Meggie is holding falls to the floor and shatters into pieces. Sustained musical tones drown out the news, and the camera pans shakily around to show Meggie, still. She becomes a blurred statue in the camera frame as her sons rush down the stairs.

Like that cup, their lives have just been shattered into pieces. Commotion may whirl around them, but the axis of their world has lost its place. 

Noughts + Crosses does a brilliant job of depicting the harsh realities of racial injustice and racial tension, but it also does a phenomenal job of illustrating the realities of human relationships. Bereavement is the most severe rupture of a human relationship possible, and we see its effects at work in this episode.

“I can’t believe they’ve put me on hold”, Meggie says in disbelief as she paces up and down the living room. Neither can I.

The McGregors head to the prison, to ascertain the facts for themselves, as no one is telling them anything. 

The stone-cold grey lighting cast over this scene reflects the dismal mood. It is impossible not to be touched by the palpable grief of Meggie and her sons.

“All I can tell you is, his body was found last night in his cell and was then moved to the prison morgue.”

That is the clinical reply from the receptionist to Jude as she faces him from behind her protective glass screen. The receptionist may feel an ounce of discomfort in following such harsh orders, but she does not have to live the grim reality that the McGregors are now shut up in.

To learn of Ryan’s death through the news is bad enough. To then meet with those who should have told them in the first place, only to have the facts withheld, and then be told they are barred from seeing Ryan’s body… The disregard for Nought life is so tangible, it is as though it is hurtled at you through the TV screen.

“He killed himself?” – Jude  

“But you can’t tell me how or why?!” – Callum

It seems more than a little suspicious that Ryan’s corpse is being kept under lock and key. Doubts that his death truly was a suicide begin to surface relatively quickly.

The death of Sandra Bland is a real-life case where doubts have been cast over the ruling of suicide. When her mugshot was first released, the public even doubted that Sandra was still alive at the time it was taken, due to her appearance in the photo. Sandra’s death was ruled a suicide, but the nature of her violent arrest – for a failure to indicate – and her death in prison three days later, showed profound misconduct on the part of Texan police. Here in the UK, Simeon Francis died in police custody during the lockdown. The cause of his death remains unknown. Kingsley Burrell suffered a cardiac arrest in Birmingham in 2011 after being subjected to excessive restraint by police officers – his body was only released to the family 17 months later. 

Kamal the Gaslighter

As well as highlighting the evidence of racial injustice, Noughts + Crosses is extensive in its social commentary of abusive relationships. The marriage between Kamal and Jasmine is clearly one in which Kamal controls and manipulates his wife. 

In an act of defiance against him in the last episode, Jasmine shamelessly used money from Kamal’s account to fund Ryan McGregor’s defence – to support her friend Meggie and her family. 

Her defiance is quickly broken down though, under the merciless, manipulative hands of Kamal. His behaviour is a classic example of gaslighting: he makes Jasmine believe that she is losing her mind. In a matter of seconds, he has eaten away at her self-confidence. 

This creepy stare from Kamal sends shudders down my spine.

Ryan’s death changes EVERYTHING.

As the family battles their grief, Meggie warns Callum not to allow his anguish to turn into rage and revenge. She cautions him not to join the Liberation Militia. But this time, Callum doesn’t seem to be against the idea, “if the cause is right”.

Precious few seconds after this talk of the LM, the voice of their leader Jack Dorn echoes through the air. Dorn is one of my most hated characters on the show! He is an unscrupulous opportunist who enjoys gratuitous acts of violence. It matters little to me that he claims the cause behind his trouble-stirring is Nought dissatisfaction – the trouble that he stirs takes the lives of the Noughts he claims to care about! 

One of the more frustrating things though, is that Jude, still disenfranchised and still struggling with his identity, is quickly sucked into the web that Dorn is spinning. 

I don’t really understand why Jude is dumb enough to listen to Jack Dorn again, after all the trouble he’s caused their family.

“They killed him. Deliberately.” 

That is the assertion of Jude when he returns home to find his brother Callum, still sunken in hopelessness. Callum, the much more optimistic of the two, isn’t ready to believe those words.

After some time to reflect, however, the possibility no longer seems outlandish. Callum brings his thoughts to Sephy, and as usual, she chooses wilful ignorance – because anything else will change the level of comfort she’s afforded. She doesn’t want her father’s upcoming position as interim Prime Minister to be jeopardised.

Why is it always about YOU, Sephy?

At Kamal’s inauguration, however, the story isn’t all about him.

The beading on Jasmine’s hair – and her jewellery, point to the richness of various African cultural traditions.

As Kamal speaks of implementing tighter controls and greater police presence, a group of Noughts head to the front of the crowd, their chests covered with red and their hands in chains. Their message is clear: you say we are free, but everywhere we are in chains.

This breathtaking statue never gets boring!

Kamal’s first act as Prime Minister is to chuck the former Prime Minister, Opal Folami’s draft of an interracial bill, into the bin. Or, at least, to command that his cabinet do so – despite some opposition.

The ministers can’t believe the vitriol they are hearing from the new Prime Minister.

In a society where the idea of Noughts and Crosses forming interracial relationships is seen as engendering “mongrels”, it is perhaps no surprise that the loss of Ryan is handled so unfeelingly.

Meggie receives this letter from the prison. Identified only with a number, Ryan is not even to be buried by his own family, but only be 'disposed of' by the state.

Callum cannot believe the height of the depravity. “They’re disposing of him like a dog!” he yells at Sephy down the phone. And at a cost that is unimaginable for a family that is already struggling to pay rent.

It is more than a little suspicious that the family are not going to be allowed to see Ryan’s body before it is 'disposed of'.

Even Sephy begins to suspect foul play.

Kamal the gaslighter, at it again.

“I just think the time for silence is over.”

Such is the assertion of Meggie as she speaks to Yaro. Her words run through the current of events that follow. What has been hiding in the dark comes to light.

Kamal, after ordering his secret service officials to take Callum from his home offers up the flippant words: “Apologies for the nature of the invitation. It’s the only way I could assure your attendance.”

You will have to watch the episode for yourself to find out how their conversation goes.

Jude, the recruited, now becomes the recruiter.

We never expected this to happen, but in desperation, people take desperate measures.

Callum turns down a different path to the one that he would usually take, and Jasmine opts for a completely different mode of thinking from her husband – when she tells her daughter Sephy to follow her heart. 

The sentimentality doesn’t last long, though. The next scene is frighteningly jarring. 

The prison guard that tried to protect Ryan reappears.

“There were orders. […] From the warden, maybe higher even, I don’t know”, the prison guard tells Callum.

What follows is shocking stuff. The Callum that we see now is incongruous from the one we knew at the start of the series. Being led down a path of crime is common amongst those who have experienced relentless hurt and angst at the hands of an unjust system. 

The sight of the car screeching away with its angry tail lights, leaving two women feeling heartbroken and helpless in the ruins left by the men they love, is heart-wrenching.

I can't recommend enough watching this episode to find out more for yourself. There's a lot that happens that I haven't told you about. Be quick about it though; at the time of writing, here in the UK, the series is only available until tomorrow!

All six episodes of Noughts + Crosses are available to watch on BBC iPlayer and various other streaming services outside of the UK. Go and watch it! I've tried not to give away any key spoilers!

Married / Coupled Peeps: Here are some things that most single people will never tell you.

(But I will.)

I told you in my last post I was coming for the married or coupled folk. I wasn’t joking.

Some people think that because we single folk are unpartnered, we have no clue about anything to do with relationships and marriage. We seriously beg to differ. Just, not all of your single friends will tell you that to your face, coupled peeps. But hey, you know me – I will! (Or I’ll tell it to your screen.)

1. You don’t need to try and set us up every minute of every day.

Thankfully, my friends know me well enough not to try that nonsense on me! As someone that’s chosen to never go on a date (to date), they would rightfully not rate their chances of setting me up on a blind date! Still, that doesn’t mean people don’t drop very loaded hints involving me and any black Christian dude they see! Yep, let’s talk about that. Not every black single person wants to be with the other black single person that runs in their circles. When was the last time you were with a blonde single female friend, spotted a blond single guy in the room and said to your friend, “Oh, I bet you two will end up together – it’s fate!” Complexion and hair similarities do not equate to relational compatibility. So can the myth that all people of colour operate under this rule please dissipate now, in the name of Jesus. (That was one of those prayers that is dependent upon people changing their actions; please don’t think that because I invoked Jesus you are excused from doing that, if you’re one of those types!)

I know that people are well-meaning, but asking a single person every time you see them if they are on the road to the wedding aisle can get a bit annoying, for lack of a better word.

It’s not the first time I’ve said this, (remember this post?) but in a person that is actually genuinely content with their singlehood, you can stir up a measure of discontent by doing this. You can make them start to wonder if there is something wrong with them. If marriage and relationships are on such a high pedestal, and I’m at the foot of the stage, why is that? Do I need a leg-up? I had to fight this feeling: it came to a point where virtually every week, married people were interrogating me on my love life (lack thereof) – or simply pushing the agenda too strongly – and I had to be on guard, realising that their words had the potential to foster dissatisfaction in me. I had to reason with these well-meaning people: marriage is good and all (well, it can be), but my life has value without me having someone by my side – and I’m not ready to walk down the aisle yet!

Married and coupled people, I guess you just want to see us poor little single folk happy. But, get this: 

What if singlehood isn’t a time of misery and forlornness? 😱 What if your single friends are… wait for it; wait for it… ACTUALLY NOT SOBBING OVER TUBS OF ICE-CREAM EVERY NIGHT?!

What you think we’re like:

ME:

If you’ve come to know me, either in person or through reading this blog, you’ll know that the picture of singleness that our culture has come to have you believe in, is pretty far removed from my reality.

Maybe give a thought to the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there like me? And maybe stop trying to give your single friends pills, as though their singleness is a disease in need of a cure.

2. We are watching you. And some of you have put us off marriage.

Ooh! Harsh? Sorry, you know me: real, authentic? 

Like I said before, just because I’m not married doesn’t mean I have no clue about marriage – although, of course, I lack the ultimate direct experience that married folks have. I have lived with married couples over the years; I have observed them from a close distance. Don’t think that your single friends aren’t watching you (in an entirely non-creepy way).

From some marriages, I have learnt exactly what NOT to do. Marriages where unhealthy control is in the hands of one spouse, and their partner is under their thumb. Marriages where one partner is always putting the other down, whether in a small group of people or in public. Marriages where communication consists of constantly shouting at each other. Sorry, but these are exactly the types of marriages that put people off ever getting married.

I can assure you, this is not hypothetical. I have a number of friends who do not want to get married because of the terrible examples of marriage they saw first-hand. The case is different for me: the unhealthy relationships I have witnessed have simply schooled me on exactly how I do not want to be, should I ever get married.

It follows then, that if I learn from the worst examples of marriage, I also learn from the best. I’ve been blessed to witness some beautiful marriages over the years: marriages where both spouses respect each other in mutual submission; marriages where the husband treats his wife like a queen, and she blossoms under his attention; marriages where the two partners are the best of friends and laugh together like little kids. I’m not so naïve as to think that all the moments of beautiful marriages are like this; of course these well-matched couples also have their moments of frustration and conflict and temporarily disliking one another, but they have developed a toolkit to iron out the cracks when they appear.

Those are the types of marriages I like to watch. The other types of marriages make me squirm. (I’m not saying that marriages aren’t hard or expecting marriages to be perfect.) Married and coupled peeps, you may not realise it, but you can either be a fantastic advertisement for marriage, or you can fantastically defame it. 

3. We know you’re married or in a relationship, you don’t need to flash it in our faces every second of every day. Ta.

I’ve told you before, I’m a hopeless romantic. Weddings are always my favourite events on the yearly calendar. I love love (love is not just romantic of course, but I do love romantic love). There is something very beautiful about seeing two people commit to doing life together for the rest of their lives, no matter how strong the waves that will attempt to divide them and carry them off shore.

I am absolutely in favour of committed couples showing their love to each other. In fact, I think it’s strange if they try to hide it. Growing up, I know several couples that would not sit next to each other in church, and you would absolutely never see holding hands. Perhaps that was a cultural thing, but it did make me sad that marital affection didn’t seem to be celebrated; more the status of marriage.

That said, I absolutely do think there’s a limit to how much PDA (public displays of affection) is appropriate. You’ve probably seen the couples that simulate sex in public places (I saw one at a McDonalds in Germany once: wasn’t fun). Get a room, people!

Not saying I have friends that go that far (thankfully), but there are definitely acts of affection that I would rather not see.

Spare a thought for your single friends. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m now in a place where marriage isn’t a far-off, distant thought. It can be hard sometimes to be around so many couples, because you feel like the odd one out, and being around people that have something that you don’t, magnifies your awareness of what you don’t have.

This lady found a way to create laughter from her third-wheel status! Source: https://www.virascoop.com/woman-documents-her-life-as-third-wheel-in-hilarious-selfies-becomes-internet-celebrity/

I’m not saying that people in relationships should feel guilty for being happy.

Romans 14:13 of the Bible talks about not putting a stumbling block in the way of our loved ones. That verse is often applied within the Church to the conversation around modesty, but in fact, in refers to doing anything that makes life “more difficult than it already is” for someone who is trying to be holy.

Let me give an example to illustrate. I lost my dad when I was thirteen. When I see my friends with their fathers, or talking about how wonderful their fathers are, it magnifies the sense of loss that I already feel in not having a father. It is not my friends’ fault that I no longer have an earthly dad, but there are things that they can do to soften the blow. Be sensitive.

Similarly, though it is not your fault that your single friends are unpartnered – and of course it is their responsibility to deal with any dissatisfaction they may feel about this – there are things that you can do to make their reality a little easier, in a world that already prizes relationships and undervalues their current status. That goes for the social media world as much as for the social world.

So, maybe next time you reach across with the intent to stroke your wife’s hair for most of the church service, you could maybe spare a thought for your single friend sitting beside you both, and save the hair stroke for the journey home? 

4. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want your partner.

OK, people. Just because your friends are single doesn’t mean they are thirsty.

I find it really irritating that many assume a single person is more likely to stir up trouble within a committed relationship than all these here coupled folk that you interact with. I’m not saying that boundaries are not necessary (in fact, I am a hearty proponent of healthy boundaries between unmarried people); what I am saying is that just because your friend is single, does not mean she (using this pronoun because this seems to be the more common suspicion) is trying to get with your husband or boyfriend.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the rates of affairs are actually higher when both parties are in a relationship. Aside from the fact that I have a strong moral objection to infidelity, I think it’s possible that single people have a greater esteem for romantic commitment, due to daily experience of not living with its benefits!

I fully believe that men and women can be just friends. I believe that to be the case for unmarried men and women, just as much as for married men and women. If we believe that we only need to treat our brothers and sisters (yep, it’s time for some Christianese) in a holy and befitting way when one of them is married, then we’ve got the gospel all wrong. 

My brother in Christ is my brother in Christ whether he is married or not. 

That means I have healthy boundaries with him whether he is married or not.

This probably isn’t a popular stance. There is a mild form of “you are my friend with benefits” playing out here in these streets; where, "as long as one or both us are not married or in a relationship, I can behave a certain way with you." I’m reminded of the time a friend of mine got married, and where he would usually go for hugs (the types of hugs I told him made me uncomfortable, but he excused as nothing), after tying the knot, he reached out a palm for a handshake.

That made me wonder… So, now you’re married you think that that interaction is inappropriate, but before it was OK?

I’m not saying hugs are wrong, people, you know that. But there are hugs and then there are hugs. (Y’all know what I’m saying.)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion of lust […] that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified.

 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

[This passage could also be applied to taking advantage of someone through sexual abuse, but that’s a discussion for another day.]

The fact of the matter is, we all need to be hyper-aware of “possessing our own vessels” and not “defrauding our brothers and sisters”. I know married folk aren’t here pretending that once they get married, they suddenly don’t notice other attractive people – they just intentionally don’t give inappropriate room to attractive people who are not their spouse.

Likewise, your single friends are already hyper-aware of having healthy boundaries with your partner – and most likely, they ain’t even noticed your partner like that. Please don’t make them feel a need to absolve themselves of guilt when they’ve done nothing wrong.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but I hope it's given you some food for thought, married and coupled people, in relation to your single friends!

Did that resonate with you? Drop me a comment below if so!

Married / Coupled / Single – I have some words for ya.

Today, I’m talking especially to my single peeps.

I’m an expert on being single. I’ve been single my whole life. As far as experience in this field goes, I think I’m qualified enough to put it on my CV.

Of course, there are those that are more experienced than me. I have lived the single life for 25 years. Others have lived it for longer.

But I mean it when I say, “single my whole life”. Not just not married, but no boyfriend (check out my previous posts on this: here and here) and, guess what – my lips are off limits!

This is all out of choice.

A bit drastic for some, I know.

I’ve written a lot about how many benefits there are to being single.

For one, arguments are extremely rare in my household, because I don’t typically get into arguments with myself.

There are things I’ve been able to do in the last five years that I know I wouldn’t have been able to do if I had been married, or even coupled off.

I really have a problem with people acting as though – especially when talking to girls and women, that your life has not begun until someone else has become a part of it. I’m sorry, what have the last twenty-five years of my life been, then? A dream?

You have to live with YOU for the rest of your life. So you might as well fall in love with yourself before you go falling for anyone else.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get married. That doesn’t mean that I want to stay single my whole life. Actually, if I’m honest, the thought of being single for my entire life rather terrifies me.

I’m a hopeless romantic, and that’s why I’m single.

I value my life.

I’m not prepared to settle. As much as I would like companionship and an intimate partner to share my life with, I’m not desperate. I know my worth and I’m not going to be with a guy that doesn’t know and recognise my worth, or simply isn’t right for me. Value doesn’t beg.

The best and coolest guy to ever live has my heart, so it would have to be a pretty cool and dog-on special guy that I would allow to share it! Jesus is my No. 1, and any other guy would be lucky to get a No.2 spot!

I used to always say, “When I get married…” I didn’t want to get married before the age of twenty-five. I knew there was a lot I wanted to accomplish before committing to a life with another human being.

Now, though I do still want to get married and believe it is likely in my future, I tend more towards “If I get married…”

It should not be a terrifying thought for me to not get married. If you feel the same way about being single, ask yourself why.

What is it that is so upsetting to you about the prospect of not having a marital partner in your life? Is it because a lot of your friends are married or coupled off now, and you feel side-lined and the odd one out? Is it because you crave physical intimacy? Is it because you want to have a sidekick who can provide you with daily companionship? Are you flippin’ tired of having people ask you if “there’s anyone special in your life?”

I’m not going to lie, I have days where I feel all of the above.

But I have to remind myself of this…

Christ has to be enough.

Do you know that song, Christ is Enough? The chorus goes,

Christ is enough for me,
Christ is enough for me.
Everything I need is in You,
Everything I need.

I’ve never really been a fan of that song. I used to convince myself that it was because I don’t really like the tune (which is true), but I think it’s also because I can’t honestly that Christ is enough for me. Is He Number 1 on my friend list? Absolutely. Do I love Him more than anyone else or anything in the world? Absolutely. But can I honestly say that Christ alone, with nothing else, in my life – no friendships, no marriage – would be enough for me? No, I can’t.

My aim is to get to the point when I can honestly say that Jesus, and Jesus alone is enough for me. To be truthful, God the Father, Son and Spirit are all I really need - everything else is a bonus. Every good and perfect gift comes from God, and they are just that: “gifts”. God doesn’t owe me anything.

That’s another thing. This idea of being “owed” something. I have to talk myself out of that pattern of thinking a lot these days. I’m twenty-five. In the map of my life that I had drawn, I would have found "the one" by now.

Courtesy of Jamie-Grace

I’ve never had a boyfriend and only my husband is going to get to kiss me. Sometimes it feels as though, because I’ve kept this promise to God, that I should have “earned” my right to have a great man as a husband by now. It’s easy to think that I’ve done this “the right way” – which is absolutely the wrong way to think, of course.

The reality remains though, that while I’ve been here, choosing to stay single (it isn’t an easy road) and wait for God’s timing, there are people out in these streets who have chosen quite the opposite: have maybe been in multiple relationships since they were ten, perhaps had a number of intimate partners before marriage – and are still happily coupled off.

It doesn’t always feel fair. It feels as though I could probably have done things “the wrong way” and still be married by now. (Even if that were true, multiple relationships and pre-marital sex cause their own complications going into marriage.)

God doesn’t owe me anything. (Moreover, He is in the business of forgiveness.)

What He chooses to give me, or give others, is His right and prerogative.

To be honest, I’m glad I’m not engaged right now – I would hate to be geographically and socially distanced from my fiancé, which lockdown has made a requirement for many people I know! And frankly, I love seasons where I’m interested in literally no-one. Attraction is a distraction, most of the time. I have a lot more space in my brain when there isn’t a guy in it.

I do believe that my faithfulness in giving this area over to God will be met with a reward someday. But I certainly didn’t choose to do it because of the reward alone: I chose to do it because I believe God deserves my faithfulness. And He deserves my faithfulness whether or not my giving it to him reaps the rewards I want.

TO BE MARRIED ≠ TO GRADUATE.

Marriage is often presented as the “graduation” from being single, as though being single is on a lower plain and means you have less worth. This is so wrong. Besides, some couples are the worst advertisements for matrimony! (More on that in another post.)

What Now?

This time of lockdown is, for many single people, amplifying a longing for companionship. That is normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

But it could also be a time in which we learn how to love what we already have, even more and even better. Learn how to love ourselves and prize what is inside of us: the skills, the character traits that we have to offer the world. Learn how to love those around us: caring and cherishing our friends and family. And if you believe that there is a Person who already has your heart and has already chosen you, then learn to love Him better. He loves you more and better than any future spouse ever could.

In the meantime, speaking especially to my single ladies: if he’s not prepared to work hard to keep you in his life, then he’s not ready to have the awesomeness that is you in his life. 💁🏽‍

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord.” - Proverbs 18:22