Married / Coupled Peeps: Here are some things that most single people will never tell you.

(But I will.)

I told you in my last post I was coming for the married or coupled folk. I wasn’t joking.

Some people think that because we single folk are unpartnered, we have no clue about anything to do with relationships and marriage. We seriously beg to differ. Just, not all of your single friends will tell you that to your face, coupled peeps. But hey, you know me – I will! (Or I’ll tell it to your screen.)

1. You don’t need to try and set us up every minute of every day.

Thankfully, my friends know me well enough not to try that nonsense on me! As someone that’s chosen to never go on a date (to date), they would rightfully not rate their chances of setting me up on a blind date! Still, that doesn’t mean people don’t drop very loaded hints involving me and any black Christian dude they see! Yep, let’s talk about that. Not every black single person wants to be with the other black single person that runs in their circles. When was the last time you were with a blonde single female friend, spotted a blond single guy in the room and said to your friend, “Oh, I bet you two will end up together – it’s fate!” Complexion and hair similarities do not equate to relational compatibility. So can the myth that all people of colour operate under this rule please dissipate now, in the name of Jesus. (That was one of those prayers that is dependent upon people changing their actions; please don’t think that because I invoked Jesus you are excused from doing that, if you’re one of those types!)

I know that people are well-meaning, but asking a single person every time you see them if they are on the road to the wedding aisle can get a bit annoying, for lack of a better word.

It’s not the first time I’ve said this, (remember this post?) but in a person that is actually genuinely content with their singlehood, you can stir up a measure of discontent by doing this. You can make them start to wonder if there is something wrong with them. If marriage and relationships are on such a high pedestal, and I’m at the foot of the stage, why is that? Do I need a leg-up? I had to fight this feeling: it came to a point where virtually every week, married people were interrogating me on my love life (lack thereof) – or simply pushing the agenda too strongly – and I had to be on guard, realising that their words had the potential to foster dissatisfaction in me. I had to reason with these well-meaning people: marriage is good and all (well, it can be), but my life has value without me having someone by my side – and I’m not ready to walk down the aisle yet!

Married and coupled people, I guess you just want to see us poor little single folk happy. But, get this: 

What if singlehood isn’t a time of misery and forlornness? 😱 What if your single friends are… wait for it; wait for it… ACTUALLY NOT SOBBING OVER TUBS OF ICE-CREAM EVERY NIGHT?!

What you think we’re like:

ME:

If you’ve come to know me, either in person or through reading this blog, you’ll know that the picture of singleness that our culture has come to have you believe in, is pretty far removed from my reality.

Maybe give a thought to the fact that there are a lot of other single people out there like me? And maybe stop trying to give your single friends pills, as though their singleness is a disease in need of a cure.

2. We are watching you. And some of you have put us off marriage.

Ooh! Harsh? Sorry, you know me: real, authentic? 

Like I said before, just because I’m not married doesn’t mean I have no clue about marriage – although, of course, I lack the ultimate direct experience that married folks have. I have lived with married couples over the years; I have observed them from a close distance. Don’t think that your single friends aren’t watching you (in an entirely non-creepy way).

From some marriages, I have learnt exactly what NOT to do. Marriages where unhealthy control is in the hands of one spouse, and their partner is under their thumb. Marriages where one partner is always putting the other down, whether in a small group of people or in public. Marriages where communication consists of constantly shouting at each other. Sorry, but these are exactly the types of marriages that put people off ever getting married.

I can assure you, this is not hypothetical. I have a number of friends who do not want to get married because of the terrible examples of marriage they saw first-hand. The case is different for me: the unhealthy relationships I have witnessed have simply schooled me on exactly how I do not want to be, should I ever get married.

It follows then, that if I learn from the worst examples of marriage, I also learn from the best. I’ve been blessed to witness some beautiful marriages over the years: marriages where both spouses respect each other in mutual submission; marriages where the husband treats his wife like a queen, and she blossoms under his attention; marriages where the two partners are the best of friends and laugh together like little kids. I’m not so naïve as to think that all the moments of beautiful marriages are like this; of course these well-matched couples also have their moments of frustration and conflict and temporarily disliking one another, but they have developed a toolkit to iron out the cracks when they appear.

Those are the types of marriages I like to watch. The other types of marriages make me squirm. (I’m not saying that marriages aren’t hard or expecting marriages to be perfect.) Married and coupled peeps, you may not realise it, but you can either be a fantastic advertisement for marriage, or you can fantastically defame it. 

3. We know you’re married or in a relationship, you don’t need to flash it in our faces every second of every day. Ta.

I’ve told you before, I’m a hopeless romantic. Weddings are always my favourite events on the yearly calendar. I love love (love is not just romantic of course, but I do love romantic love). There is something very beautiful about seeing two people commit to doing life together for the rest of their lives, no matter how strong the waves that will attempt to divide them and carry them off shore.

I am absolutely in favour of committed couples showing their love to each other. In fact, I think it’s strange if they try to hide it. Growing up, I know several couples that would not sit next to each other in church, and you would absolutely never see holding hands. Perhaps that was a cultural thing, but it did make me sad that marital affection didn’t seem to be celebrated; more the status of marriage.

That said, I absolutely do think there’s a limit to how much PDA (public displays of affection) is appropriate. You’ve probably seen the couples that simulate sex in public places (I saw one at a McDonalds in Germany once: wasn’t fun). Get a room, people!

Not saying I have friends that go that far (thankfully), but there are definitely acts of affection that I would rather not see.

Spare a thought for your single friends. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m now in a place where marriage isn’t a far-off, distant thought. It can be hard sometimes to be around so many couples, because you feel like the odd one out, and being around people that have something that you don’t, magnifies your awareness of what you don’t have.

This lady found a way to create laughter from her third-wheel status! Source: https://www.virascoop.com/woman-documents-her-life-as-third-wheel-in-hilarious-selfies-becomes-internet-celebrity/

I’m not saying that people in relationships should feel guilty for being happy.

Romans 14:13 of the Bible talks about not putting a stumbling block in the way of our loved ones. That verse is often applied within the Church to the conversation around modesty, but in fact, in refers to doing anything that makes life “more difficult than it already is” for someone who is trying to be holy.

Let me give an example to illustrate. I lost my dad when I was thirteen. When I see my friends with their fathers, or talking about how wonderful their fathers are, it magnifies the sense of loss that I already feel in not having a father. It is not my friends’ fault that I no longer have an earthly dad, but there are things that they can do to soften the blow. Be sensitive.

Similarly, though it is not your fault that your single friends are unpartnered – and of course it is their responsibility to deal with any dissatisfaction they may feel about this – there are things that you can do to make their reality a little easier, in a world that already prizes relationships and undervalues their current status. That goes for the social media world as much as for the social world.

So, maybe next time you reach across with the intent to stroke your wife’s hair for most of the church service, you could maybe spare a thought for your single friend sitting beside you both, and save the hair stroke for the journey home? 

4. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want your partner.

OK, people. Just because your friends are single doesn’t mean they are thirsty.

I find it really irritating that many assume a single person is more likely to stir up trouble within a committed relationship than all these here coupled folk that you interact with. I’m not saying that boundaries are not necessary (in fact, I am a hearty proponent of healthy boundaries between unmarried people); what I am saying is that just because your friend is single, does not mean she (using this pronoun because this seems to be the more common suspicion) is trying to get with your husband or boyfriend.

It wouldn’t surprise me if the rates of affairs are actually higher when both parties are in a relationship. Aside from the fact that I have a strong moral objection to infidelity, I think it’s possible that single people have a greater esteem for romantic commitment, due to daily experience of not living with its benefits!

I fully believe that men and women can be just friends. I believe that to be the case for unmarried men and women, just as much as for married men and women. If we believe that we only need to treat our brothers and sisters (yep, it’s time for some Christianese) in a holy and befitting way when one of them is married, then we’ve got the gospel all wrong. 

My brother in Christ is my brother in Christ whether he is married or not. 

That means I have healthy boundaries with him whether he is married or not.

This probably isn’t a popular stance. There is a mild form of “you are my friend with benefits” playing out here in these streets; where, "as long as one or both us are not married or in a relationship, I can behave a certain way with you." I’m reminded of the time a friend of mine got married, and where he would usually go for hugs (the types of hugs I told him made me uncomfortable, but he excused as nothing), after tying the knot, he reached out a palm for a handshake.

That made me wonder… So, now you’re married you think that that interaction is inappropriate, but before it was OK?

I’m not saying hugs are wrong, people, you know that. But there are hugs and then there are hugs. (Y’all know what I’m saying.)

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honour, not in passion of lust […] that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified.

 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

[This passage could also be applied to taking advantage of someone through sexual abuse, but that’s a discussion for another day.]

The fact of the matter is, we all need to be hyper-aware of “possessing our own vessels” and not “defrauding our brothers and sisters”. I know married folk aren’t here pretending that once they get married, they suddenly don’t notice other attractive people – they just intentionally don’t give inappropriate room to attractive people who are not their spouse.

Likewise, your single friends are already hyper-aware of having healthy boundaries with your partner – and most likely, they ain’t even noticed your partner like that. Please don’t make them feel a need to absolve themselves of guilt when they’ve done nothing wrong.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but I hope it's given you some food for thought, married and coupled people, in relation to your single friends!

Did that resonate with you? Drop me a comment below if so!

Married / Coupled / Single – I have some words for ya.

Today, I’m talking especially to my single peeps.

I’m an expert on being single. I’ve been single my whole life. As far as experience in this field goes, I think I’m qualified enough to put it on my CV.

Of course, there are those that are more experienced than me. I have lived the single life for 25 years. Others have lived it for longer.

But I mean it when I say, “single my whole life”. Not just not married, but no boyfriend (check out my previous posts on this: here and here) and, guess what – my lips are off limits!

This is all out of choice.

A bit drastic for some, I know.

I’ve written a lot about how many benefits there are to being single.

For one, arguments are extremely rare in my household, because I don’t typically get into arguments with myself.

There are things I’ve been able to do in the last five years that I know I wouldn’t have been able to do if I had been married, or even coupled off.

I really have a problem with people acting as though – especially when talking to girls and women, that your life has not begun until someone else has become a part of it. I’m sorry, what have the last twenty-five years of my life been, then? A dream?

You have to live with YOU for the rest of your life. So you might as well fall in love with yourself before you go falling for anyone else.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to get married. That doesn’t mean that I want to stay single my whole life. Actually, if I’m honest, the thought of being single for my entire life rather terrifies me.

I’m a hopeless romantic, and that’s why I’m single.

I value my life.

I’m not prepared to settle. As much as I would like companionship and an intimate partner to share my life with, I’m not desperate. I know my worth and I’m not going to be with a guy that doesn’t know and recognise my worth, or simply isn’t right for me. Value doesn’t beg.

The best and coolest guy to ever live has my heart, so it would have to be a pretty cool and dog-on special guy that I would allow to share it! Jesus is my No. 1, and any other guy would be lucky to get a No.2 spot!

I used to always say, “When I get married…” I didn’t want to get married before the age of twenty-five. I knew there was a lot I wanted to accomplish before committing to a life with another human being.

Now, though I do still want to get married and believe it is likely in my future, I tend more towards “If I get married…”

It should not be a terrifying thought for me to not get married. If you feel the same way about being single, ask yourself why.

What is it that is so upsetting to you about the prospect of not having a marital partner in your life? Is it because a lot of your friends are married or coupled off now, and you feel side-lined and the odd one out? Is it because you crave physical intimacy? Is it because you want to have a sidekick who can provide you with daily companionship? Are you flippin’ tired of having people ask you if “there’s anyone special in your life?”

I’m not going to lie, I have days where I feel all of the above.

But I have to remind myself of this…

Christ has to be enough.

Do you know that song, Christ is Enough? The chorus goes,

Christ is enough for me,
Christ is enough for me.
Everything I need is in You,
Everything I need.

I’ve never really been a fan of that song. I used to convince myself that it was because I don’t really like the tune (which is true), but I think it’s also because I can’t honestly that Christ is enough for me. Is He Number 1 on my friend list? Absolutely. Do I love Him more than anyone else or anything in the world? Absolutely. But can I honestly say that Christ alone, with nothing else, in my life – no friendships, no marriage – would be enough for me? No, I can’t.

My aim is to get to the point when I can honestly say that Jesus, and Jesus alone is enough for me. To be truthful, God the Father, Son and Spirit are all I really need - everything else is a bonus. Every good and perfect gift comes from God, and they are just that: “gifts”. God doesn’t owe me anything.

That’s another thing. This idea of being “owed” something. I have to talk myself out of that pattern of thinking a lot these days. I’m twenty-five. In the map of my life that I had drawn, I would have found "the one" by now.

Courtesy of Jamie-Grace

I’ve never had a boyfriend and only my husband is going to get to kiss me. Sometimes it feels as though, because I’ve kept this promise to God, that I should have “earned” my right to have a great man as a husband by now. It’s easy to think that I’ve done this “the right way” – which is absolutely the wrong way to think, of course.

The reality remains though, that while I’ve been here, choosing to stay single (it isn’t an easy road) and wait for God’s timing, there are people out in these streets who have chosen quite the opposite: have maybe been in multiple relationships since they were ten, perhaps had a number of intimate partners before marriage – and are still happily coupled off.

It doesn’t always feel fair. It feels as though I could probably have done things “the wrong way” and still be married by now. (Even if that were true, multiple relationships and pre-marital sex cause their own complications going into marriage.)

God doesn’t owe me anything. (Moreover, He is in the business of forgiveness.)

What He chooses to give me, or give others, is His right and prerogative.

To be honest, I’m glad I’m not engaged right now – I would hate to be geographically and socially distanced from my fiancé, which lockdown has made a requirement for many people I know! And frankly, I love seasons where I’m interested in literally no-one. Attraction is a distraction, most of the time. I have a lot more space in my brain when there isn’t a guy in it.

I do believe that my faithfulness in giving this area over to God will be met with a reward someday. But I certainly didn’t choose to do it because of the reward alone: I chose to do it because I believe God deserves my faithfulness. And He deserves my faithfulness whether or not my giving it to him reaps the rewards I want.

TO BE MARRIED ≠ TO GRADUATE.

Marriage is often presented as the “graduation” from being single, as though being single is on a lower plain and means you have less worth. This is so wrong. Besides, some couples are the worst advertisements for matrimony! (More on that in another post.)

What Now?

This time of lockdown is, for many single people, amplifying a longing for companionship. That is normal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

But it could also be a time in which we learn how to love what we already have, even more and even better. Learn how to love ourselves and prize what is inside of us: the skills, the character traits that we have to offer the world. Learn how to love those around us: caring and cherishing our friends and family. And if you believe that there is a Person who already has your heart and has already chosen you, then learn to love Him better. He loves you more and better than any future spouse ever could.

In the meantime, speaking especially to my single ladies: if he’s not prepared to work hard to keep you in his life, then he’s not ready to have the awesomeness that is you in his life. 💁🏽‍

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord.” - Proverbs 18:22

Noughts + Crosses: A Review of the 3rd episode of the popular BBC drama series

Rating: 3 stars ⭐⭐⭐

Before reading, make sure you watch the first and second episodes of Noughts + Crosses, and read my reviews of them (here and here)! The below review contains a few spoilers as to what has already happened so far in the series…

The third episode of Noughts + Crosses is my least favourite so far, although the show is most certainly a class act.

Perhaps one of the reasons I am less raving about this episode is that it makes fewer salient points about the dichotomy of the “superior” and subjugated. That is not to say that they are not present – but in this episode, it is interpersonal relationships that come to the fore, and less so structural relationships.

With that said, the very first few words we hear in this episode are uttered by a university lecturer, who boldly proclaims before his class that:

“When the Aprican settlers first came to Albion, they were faced with a country in chaos.”

Does that type of rhetoric seem in any way familiar to you?

“Settlers”. Settlers, or invaders? Plunderers? Looters? 

When we talk about Americans in the modern-day, we rarely speak of Native Americans. The standard of Americanness we most typically see represented is Caucasian. We do not speak of “European Americans”, but “Asian-American” and “African-American” are staple terms. Why is this? Because white Americans are seen to be the standard. Those with a greater right to be there than anyone else. Settlers. The reality is that Christopher Columbus did not “discover” America, the indigenous peoples were already there. They were slaughtered and displaced from their land - and then the invaders called themselves “Americans”.

In the dystopian world of Noughts + Crosses, Apricans behave in much the same way. The Crosses determine themselves to be those with the right to be there. The Noughts are worse than an inconvenience to them.

The Crosses legitimise their dehumanisation of the Noughts by convincing themselves that they saved the Noughts from “their own worst tendencies”. They tell themselves that Albion was “a country in chaos” before the wonderful saviours arrived.

This mirrors the notion of the white saviour complex, visible in our world today. This complex can be found in literary writings: some of those I had to study at university would refer to “the civilised world” – by which they mean the white world. You can also spot the white saviour complex in short-term missionary trips where white Westerners clamour to take photos with little black children – excited to post them on their social media feeds once they return.

In an effort to make Crosses the heroes of the story, Sephy’s professor states, with no shame: 

“An ongoing, brutal civil war had left many of its [Albion’s] barbaric inhabitants dying of plague or starvation.”

“Barbaric”. No doubt we are used to seeing that word used in racist rhetoric, just to describe a different racial group.

Sephy has transformed the naïve, privileged Cross girl she was when we first met her. Now, she challenges her professor with no shame.

She does get in trouble for it, though. But with the Home Secretary as her father, she doesn’t pay too hefty a price.

Not that Kamal Hadley, Sephy’s father, appreciates her moral commitment to equality for Noughts. He gets a bee in his bonnet when it is announced that Noughts will for the first time ever, be allowed to publicly celebrate their traditional festival, Midsummer. He’s a bit pathetic.

Kamal has the same idea in his head that the inventors of classical racism had: that one race is intrinsically superior, and other races are inherently inferior – and thus equality is not the modus operandi.

In this world of systemic oppression, it is difficult for Noughts to occupy much space.

When Ryan, Callum’s father, struggles to find a new job, his son Jude asks:

Though only afforded a few lines in the script, this point is striking. In the reality of our world, in white-majority countries such as the UK, “foreign-sounding” names have been proven to make the lives of those who carry them more difficult. It is more difficult for someone with a “non-English-sounding name” to get an interview or sometimes a place on an educational course. In this dystopian world, the Noughts are the group who are systematically denied a place at the table.

The Complexity of Interpersonal Relationships

The love story between Callum and Sephy continues to be spun in this episode.

Relationships take centre stage in this episode. Not just the romance between Sephy and Callum – we see a number of interpersonal relationships fractured by friction in episode three.

The friendship between Jasmine (Sephy’s mother) and Meggie (Callum’s mother) is one of them. We see Jasmine descend into alcohol addiction and deep depression. In her hurt, she pushes her long-time employee and friend, Meggie, away – and into the shadows. 

Jasmine develops a dependency on the bottle

A stunned Meggie stands in shock after Jasmine deals her an unexpected blow

As conflict divides their mothers, Sephy and Callum too, are faced with a divide. A divide of a different nature. Notwithstanding their love for each other, the state-imposed separation of Noughts and Crosses continues to complicate the young couple’s relationship.

Callum is questioned by an officer simply for standing by Sephy in front of Danny’s memorial.

 Just as many black people are racially profiled as “suspicious”, Callum is interrogated by an officer simply because he is standing with a Cross woman – and in a district different to the one in which he lives. Reminds me of the video that surfaced a few weeks back of a white police officer stopping a black man, here in the UK, using the words “No offence to you, but you’re a black male” and “I haven’t seen you before” – thereby arriving at the conclusion that the driver must be a drug dealer.

Mirroring the racial profiling Callum is subjected to, the presumption that Noughts = trouble is the driving force for the tank that shows up at the Midsummer festival. 

The Noughts’ version of a Caribbean carnival! They look pretty harmless to me…

… But unbelievably, a military tank is deployed to police the crowds.

Racial stereotyping is evident in Jasmine’s rhetoric, too. In her attempt to urge Sephy not to attend the Midsummer festival, she lets slip some shocking hypocrisy.

Jasmine isn't exactly teetotal herself...

Expectations for women are the same in this world.

As the rift widens between Jasmine and Sephy, we see another interpersonal relationship further disintegrate: Callum and Jude’s. What happens to Callum’s brother is what often happens to a group of marginalised, disenfranchised people. Jude feels a desperate need to belong – and goes searching for his identity in the wrong place. I don’t know about you, but I actually feel pity for him.  

Jude seems to seek approval from Jack Dorn in the way one might seek approval from a father.

This episode sees Jude and Callum pitted against each other in a way we have never seen before.

Lekan, Sephy’s now ex-boyfriend, has a part to play in that. He pulls a ruse that nearly costs Jude his life. Realising that Mercy Point will never truly be for him and his people, Callum decides to walk away.

In the chaos of their divided world, Callum and Sephy find comfort and solace in each other.

A bit too much comfort and solace, if you know what I mean.

As they are doing the deed (not shown, thankfully), Meggie bumps into someone on her way home who personifies the ghosts of Kamal’s past. Yaro. Yaro is played by Luke Bailey. Sorry to say, but Bailey is the worst actor in an otherwise pretty stellar cast. I don’t know what accent he is supposed to be speaking in, but if it is meant to be a Nigerian accent, it isn’t a very good one. 

Yaro and Meggie’s exchange doesn’t last long. Then comes the awkward and laughable moment in which Meggie finds her son and Sephy upstairs. The contrast between this moment and the one shown in the still below, is striking.

Jasmine’s hospitalisation brings into focus the importance of family. It causes Sephy, her sister Minerva and their father Kamal, to reassess their priorities.

Meanwhile, trouble begins to set on Jude and Callum’s relationship. Jude is less than impressed when he learns that Callum and Sephy are seeing each other.

Some might say the same about Callum! ;)

Callum’s reaction to a drastic decision that Jude has made, on the other hand, provokes a much more volatile response. The directions the two have decided to take in response to racial injustice are diametrically opposed.

Let’s just say, this episode is full of drama.

Watch it.

All six episodes of Noughts + Crosses are available to watch on BBC iPlayer and various other streaming services outside of the UK. Go and watch it! I've tried not to give away any key spoilers!

Noughts + Crosses: A Review of the 2nd episode of the popular BBC drama series

Rating: 4.5 stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (I can't find a half-star!)

Before reading, make sure you watch the first episode of Noughts + Crosses, and read my review of it! The below review contains a few spoilers as to what happened in episode 1…

Noughts + Crosses pulls no punches. Right from the beginning of this episode, just as in the pilot, we are uncomfortably dragged into a world where the tides of anger never ebb. In this episode, we see Callum take his place at Mercy Point, the military school into which he has been accepted. He is very much in the minority: this is the first year that Mercy Point has desegregated and allowed both Crosses and Noughts to enrol. The commanding officers there won’t let Callum and the other Noughts forget that their presence is unwelcome.

This is the type of aggression that Callum regularly has to deal with.

Let’s just take a minute to appreciate the title sequence which appears in every episode of Noughts + Crosses. Accompanied by impressive music, black and white skin melds together, a visual demonstration that opposites can attract and beautifully harmonise together, just as both the black and white keys on a piano produce scintillating chords.

The title sequence depicts the idealistic version of relationships between Noughts and Crosses. In the dystopian reality of Albion, Sephy and Callum – and any others that represent a fusion between these two dichotomic worlds, are forever at war with the system. Peace can never be theirs.

Once the title sequence is over, the charged voice of Jack Dorn, leader of the Liberation Militia, carries over to us. In stark contrast to the fury in his voice, we are presented with the stunning landscape of Albion. The dominant figure of a black woman with her head swathed in a headtie reminds us that we are in a world in which Aprican (inspired by ‘African’) culture reigns. It is worth noting that traditionally, many Sub-Saharan African traditions celebrate the mother figure. This attention to detail is impressive. Set designer Karl du Preez does a marvellous job, if you ask me! (Interesting fact: the show was actually filmed in South Africa.)

This is London as you’ve never seen it before.

The words of Jack Dorn are potent and pertinent to the reality we find ourselves facing today:

“The establishment and its Aprican masters showing more distress over the destruction of Cross property than the death of a young Nought man.”

Sound familiar?

Superb Social Commentary

Sephy is less naïve in this episode than she was in the first. She takes the courageous step of pointing out to her father, the Home Secretary, that one set of rules apply to Noughts, and another to Crosses. When Noughts gather together peacefully and “try to exercise [their] right [to speak freely], the riot police show up.” The same is not so for the ruling race.

Callum can’t even sleep on his own mattress at the military academy: the Crosses there soak it in wee. This type of overt and nasty racism exists alongside regular micro-aggressions, such as the one that Callum’s friend Elaine receives from the idiot (excuse my language) that is Lekan:

“So Elaine… is it true? Nought women in bed? People say you’re pretty crazy.”

Noughts + Crosses doesn’t just tackle racism. It makes room for other complex societal ills in its storytelling. The above quote is an example of how the show recognises and addresses intersectionality: when racism and sexism intersect, the discrimination factor is squared.

Racism is evident in almost every shot in this show. In the scene where Sephy Hadley and her family travel to Mercy Point’s passing-in parade, several Crosses surround their car with placards emblazoned with the words “NOUGHTS OUT”. Sephy and Callum’s father Ryan are forced to halt their pleasant catch-up as they arrive at the entrance: there is one entryway for Crosses and another for Noughts. Ryan is forced to undergo a security check, as are all the other Noughts, and Sephy is left to walk freely. Remind you of anything? Disproportionate stop-and-search rates, anyone?

Once the parade begins, we hear the rhythmic beat of the talking drum echo through the air. The talking drum originates from West Africa and comes in many various forms.

What a stunning plethora of colourful traditional outfits!

The call and response of the commanding officer to his soldiers sounds a lot like Yoruba.

Let’s talk about hair.

Noughts + Crosses does not leave any stone unturned! Black hair is a topic in itself. Historically and in the present day, the tightly-curled tresses of people of African descent has been shamed, called 'ugly', 'untameable', 'unprofessional'… Meanwhile, silky European hair has been overvalued and presented as the standard of beauty to follow. As a result, many businesses have profited off creating products which claim to 'subdue'natural Afro hair so that women in particular, may better assimilate into society and better meet the prescribed beauty standard. Of course, in Noughts + Crosses, our present-day reality is turned upside down! See how both the Nought men and women wear traditionally African braided styles? Not a coincidence!

“We must be careful not to become too homogenised”, says Kamal Hadley, Sephy’s father, as he delivers the address. “Protect your identity”, he utters, painstakingly enunciating each word so we clearly understand his meaning: Do not mix with these Noughts too much, Crosses.

The words “E se gan” – ‘Thank you very much’ in Yoruba, ring out from the stage. Once again, I must say that it would be nice to have other African languages depicted in this show. Nigeria is one country in Africa’s vast landscape, and Yoruba is just one of many languages native to Nigeria. Perhaps the bias is owing to the writer of the show, Lydia Adetunji, who has Nigerian – and specifically Yoruba – heritage.

It is around this time that the triangle between Lekan (Sephy’s boyfriend), Sephy and Callum begins to trace its lines. 

There is no doubt that in this triangle, it is Callum that has the most to lose. Despite her position, Sephy is bold (though surreptitious) with her attentions to Callum. Callum is much more cautious.

Lekan detests Callum and all Noughts, and he is not afraid to show it.

The racial stereotypes that he holds are evident: “Must be nice to get two whole days for getting drunk on street corners, playing with wild Nought women”, he tauntingly shouts at Callum, before being told that Callum’s weekend off is due to his friend’s funeral…

Interestingly enough, although Home Secretary Kamal Hadley (played by Paterson Joseph) is vitriolically racist, the Prime Minister, Opal Folami is reasonable. She calls for an independent enquiry into police brutality. Independent. The police are not called on to investigate its own misconduct, but instead are to be assessed by an outside body. Remind you of anything that should be happening in real life right now?

Although the Prime Minister of the nation, as a female, Opal Folami, too, is subjected to sexism. The men that work under her rarely heed her.

The dysfunction of male-female relationships is most evident between Lekan and Sephy, however. Lekan truly shows all the signs of a future domestic abuser. He is controlling, manipulative and paranoid. His behaviour in this episode is alarming.

In this episode, for the first time we learn something about other races in Albion, although I would contend, not enough. There is not much clarity as to the position and treatment of races that are neither Noughts nor Crosses. Callum’s father Ryan has a boss who appears to be mixed-race. Okonjo is such a totalitarian manager that he refuses Danny’s father the day off for his own son’s funeral. When Ryan confronts Okonjo, he says in disbelief to his boss: “…You’re one of us!”

This is interesting. This one line is comparable to the way in which often, when someone is of both black and white heritage, they are typically considered 'black', even though they also have 50% white heritage. (America has never had a 'black' President, they have had a 'mixed-race' one.) They are typically more accepted by the black community than the white community.

Thus, perhaps Ryan is suggesting that it is Noughts who will truly accept Okonjo, as he is of mixed heritage? Okonjo’s response indicates that he has become accepted by the Crosses only because of his financial status, and that if he associates on more friendly terms with Noughts, he will lose his position. Indeed, it seems he has come to a place of denying part of his own identity in order to fit in and be respected. Many people of colour can relate to this. The culture of assimilation. Assimilation often comes with self-denigration.

Conversely, Callum and Sephy refuse to comply with social expectations, even knowing what it could cost them. Tired of having to hide their affection for each other, they decide to go to a clandestine club for interracial couples. [You need to watch the episode; I’m not telling you everything that happens.]

The chemistry between Sephy and Callum is masterful. Both Masali Baduza and Jack Rowan do an amazing job. The pauses, the intensity of their eyes, the shyness of two young people in love… The director Julian Holmes creates a heart-warming story that becomes all the more heart-warming precisely because the two parties are prepared to risk everything just so they can be together. Reminds me of the story of Mr. and Mrs. Loving, a real-life interracial couple who decided to be together, despite interracial romances being illegal at that time in America.

Sephy and Callum, finally free to dance to their own tune

However, we soon learn that Shakespeare’s words ring true here, too: “the course of true love never did run smooth”.

I told you Lekan was paranoid…

The wrath of Lekan is truly a frightening thing.

You need to watch this episode.

Let’s just say the triangle gets a little more complicated as the minutes pass. Sephy begins to realise that this love thing isn’t going to be as easy as she thought.

The drama that takes place in that club is contrasted by the stillness of Danny’s funeral, a few minutes later. The ritual of Danny’s interment is much like Egyptian mummification, which of course is jarring to us today. The startling reminder that even burial customs are different for Noughts, forces us to consider how many customs we take for granted today are actually products of the West, yet have been taken on by colonised people globally.

In this episode, we see just how power-hungry Kamal Hadley is. The Home Secretary decides to strike a deal with Liberation Militia leader Jack Dorn, in an effort to both appease the Noughts and dismantle the Prime Minister’s leadership. Dorn is wary though. He knows that the plan is to give the Noughts:

“just enough rights to keep us docile. Just enough liberty to take away our rage.”

This line is unforgettable: “Would you be happy being ‘almost’ completely equal to me?” Dorn asks the Home Secretary. Hadley’s silence reminds me of the scene in which white anti-racism activist Jane Elliott says to a crowd of white people, “If you as a white person would be happy to receive the same treatment that our black citizens do in our society, please stand.” No-one stands.

Sephy: a woman with a mind of her own

Believe it or not, in this episode, Sephy finally sees the light. She cuts ties with Lekan.

The guy is so narcissistic, he tells her that she can’t break up with him, for apparently: “We don’t do this.” Reminds me of Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice: he just doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of the word “no”. 

Well, that's what I call a clapback.

It seems one set of rules apply to men, and another to women. Oh, wait, that isn’t just a Noughts + Crosses thing...

This episode is an intriguing follow-up to the pilot episode, and excels in its character development, storytelling, set design and social commentary. Watch it.

All six episodes of Noughts + Crosses are available to watch on BBC iPlayer and various other streaming services outside of the UK. What are you waiting for?